Update

I will probably add more later. I am currently at my doctor's office. Both the nurse and doctor agree that what they did at urgent care was not too helpful. Doctor said it is likely alcohol related.. but they're doing a test for helicobacter pylori infection and then will send me to get blood drawn to check my pancreas and such. Getting labs was my main concern to rule out any major problems. She increased the omeprazole. So we will see. I am exhausted because I didn't get to sleep until after 2 and had to be up at 8. I am probably going to try to nap before work. I wish I could call out sick, but we are so short handed. So I will just try to survive with a nap and caffeine and the reassurance that tomorrow I am off.

Yeah so I got to work and almost lost it. Like had to go sit by myself to stop from crying. I think I freaked my supervisor out because she kept telling me not to worry about what we could get done. I just kept saying I was tired and barely able to keep it together. I wanted to say that I just wanted to die, but I didn't. I wanted to ask to go home but knew I was safer there. I wanted to say so much, but I see no point in telling them I am so suicidal when they can't help and would probably pressure me to go to the hospital or something. So I just worked. I was really upset that she left before me. Yes she has a husband and son, but I can hardly keep myself alive and ended up working late again. I am so glad to be off until Friday. I can't keep this up.

Also think I need to set boundaries with this supervisor. The problem is that we have known each other for a few years from school. We weren't friends so much as acquaintances because I really didn't make friends... but she was a grad student who I spoke to and didn't hate. Now we are more of friends because of work. However because she has known me and trusts me, she tells me things. She talks to me about people they might hire and opinions of them... including several people from school who I do NOT like. She tells me things about decisions to transfer people and basically things that I am probably not meant to hear. I understand that it is because she knows I am trustworthy and values my opinion, but it is stressful. I don't like gossip. I would generally prefer not to discuss other people. There is an amount that is ok to me. Like with my old supervisor, he did not deal with it enough. I would express legitimate concerns about other people and he would make excuses for them or not deal with it. With the manager or previous day supervisor, I would basically plan conversations and gather evidence to express my concern about someone, and generally it would be dealt with. I kind of planned what to tell them and then considered it their responsibility. With her... she likes to discuss things. She talks about who is doing what in terms of speed and mistakes and tell me what is being discussed about how to handle it and just endless discussion. I know that she values me and my opinion, but I keep wanting to remind her that the reason I am not lead is to minimize stress. I want to remind her that they have spoken to people about gossip and complaining because I have said it affects the atmosphere at work. I want to remind her that I just told her that I can barely function. I don't want to be involved in this.

That being said.. she does listen. I told her someone on day shift needs to be designated to do reconfirmations. Today she said someone has been. She asked if I would do it for evenings, and I of course agreed. I have no idea how much of any of the job stuff makes sense when I write about it, and I think even at work my view of reconfirmations confuses people. It's a love/hate thing. They are stressful and confusing and exhausting, but they are like my baby. I have seen policies be created and changed and developed and eliminated. I have seen the numbers grow to absurd amounts that had me working 11 hour shifts and shrink to almost non existent. I have dreamt about them. I have had to challenge all my social anxiety to express my opinions. I have been considered valuable and the "expert" on them. I hate them and the dreams and having to talk to people about them and have an opinion about them. I seriously would be crushed if they were taken from me. I hate for certain people to do them for fear that they won't catch certain things or understand certain things. It would be harder to train someone else and trust them. I am also a little afraid that I am not as good at anything else. So yes... I said designate me. My issue is more that for a while I was not assigned to reconfirmations. My old supervisor would have me working on something else, and I was always aware that they weren't being done. It all sounds a bit crazy... but everything at this job is. We are starting to test blood samples now, and that can mean all kinds of new problems. Now is not a time to take this away from me.

Sorry for the tangent. It was a weird day. Work is very weird now. I want to find some balance of being able to do my job and not think so much about everyone else's, but also not have their work affect mine. I want my supervisor to understand that I can handle my job, but I have been trying to tell her I am struggling because I really don't need more responsibility. I am fine being responsible for myself, but I can't be responsible for everyone else. I will eventually break. I am exhausted.