To tell or not to tell

Work was a bit confusing today. Not the work so much as the people.

So I was told that if I did the assessment and IOP that they would want some documentation that I was OK to work. I then chose not to do that program, so I talked to the boss about other ways to prove I was OK to work like letting my therapist contact the HR guy. I had a meeting with the boss and HR guy today. It was weird. He talked about stuff like what they as a company can communicate about.. like if talking to my therapist is OK or if it violates HIPAA. He mentioned talking to someone and meeting again. He talked about how if I did a program they have to be sure I am cleared to work and that my job won't compromise my health.

I feel like there was some miscommunication about everything. I kinda just said that I was told I would need to provide this, but I am choosing not to do that treatment. I said that I just want to do whatever they want to assure them that I am able to work. So maybe this is all nothing.. I tried to say that what happened recently was medical (not mental health). The boss emphasized that I can always talk to her or HR guy and me being paranoid interpreted that to mean that she knows I am not doing well. So I have no idea.

The thing is... I am not doing well. I am very suicidal. Physically I don't feel well. I feel like I should probably tell someone. I seriously considered taking the rest of the Librium while at work. I thought a lot about suicide plans. I thought I could find somewhere to board the cats and hire someone to clean the apartment at the same time. I would then find a hotel and drink/overdose or whatever. I would leave a note giving an explanation or permission for my parents to pick up my cats from whatever place has them. I would create a list on my phone of who to tell if I die.

I didn't do any of this. I haven't told anyone. I have rather expensive tickets to a play on the 19th, and I don't want to miss it because I am inpatient. I know if I told anyone any of this that they would want me to go inpatient. And honestly if I want to die, why tell anyone? But I probably should. I took 10 Diurex with my vodka tonight. You're not supposed to exceed 4 per day. I am kinda hoping to pass out at work or somehow appear sick enough someone will ask if I am ok. I can't just say it. I can't just leave them short staffed, but I really am not OK.