The curious incident of the dog in the night

So after several dreadful days, today I got to pretend to be normal and have some fun.

I mentioned this briefly before Christmas, but my Christmas present to my mom was tickets to see a play together. I spent rather a lot for our tickets and valet parking. I was glad for the valet parking because I ended up driving, and parking garages freak me out.

It was a matinee and the theater was maybe only a third full. The tickets were on like the 3rd balcony up, but someone from the theater came around and asked if we wanted to move down and gave us orchestra level tickets?! So right before the show, we moved down to seats that would have been almost twice as expensive.

The play was The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night, which is a book my mom loves (though I haven't read it yet). It was amazing. It was very emotional. It's from the perspective of an autistic boy who is trying to solve the mystery of who killed his neighbor's dog. And there's a lot more about his family, but I won't spoil the plot. A lot is also about his view of the world, and the actor was just amazing. I kept going from crying to laughing to crying again.

It was a challenge to go. I drove my mom's car which made me so nervous. I don't drive with other people in my car. Mainly because sometimes the alcohol makes driving rather unsafe. At my worst, my legs shake and occasionally I see things.. like not hallucinating but like I will see a trash can and think it's a person at first. It's hard to explain. But so I don't like the idea of anyone else being in the car with me. But I drove an unfamiliar (much nicer than mine) car to somewhere I have been but never driven to. I went to a theater and had to interact with the valet and the ushers. I had lunch out with my mom and chatted in the car. Also later had dinner with my parents. I didn't check my work email. I took both my days off this week (though admittedly did check my work email yesterday).

Yesterday was admittedly not my best day. I had talked to my therapist weeks ago about having these tickets and needing to come on a different day because the show was at the same time as my usual appointment. We discussed me coming Wednesday, and I put it in my calendar. Apparently she didn't write it down, so I drove there yesterday and waited almost 30 minutes before giving up. I had planned to go shopping after, but after her not showing up I just went home and got into bed. I slept most of the evening, which I probably needed, but I also really needed to see her. A normal person would probably have texted or called yesterday, but I didn't. So today she texted and tried calling me at my usual appointment time, and I texted during intermission that we had discussed this. She asked if I had shown up yesterday and said she didn't have it in her schedule and apologized. I didn't mention going and sitting there in the waiting room yesterday. I just said that it was fine and asked to make sure I was on the schedule for next week. I didn't want to try to explain via text how much I needed to see her or how poorly I am doing or anything else going on. I didn't want to tell her I was upset because my sick mind won't let me be ok expressing frustration and clings to the tiny shred of doubt telling me I am wrong and we didn't discuss changing my appointment. Except I know I brought up the play because I was proud I had bought tickets for something in the future because it meant I was committed to surviving the holidays, and I was upset that she didn't seem to grasp how much of an accomplishment that was given how I was so concerned with drinking myself to death.

But today was a good day. Tomorrow I go back to work, and I think I am just not going to mention or apologize for my meltdown. I am going to try not to discuss my personal problems, and I am going to try not to cry. Hopefully, I am a bit better rested and will be able to cope.