I may not be doing so well with this recovery idea. I got zero sleep last night but decided to go to work anyway because I just couldn't spend another day alone.
I made a simple request for help if they wanted me to do reruns. I then asked the manager about working tomorrow to make up hours I missed. She told me when I go for the assessment that they would like some kind of note that I am fit for work. I didn't initially worry because that isn't hard.. unless they say no or I decide not to do that program. I then started to panic because reality sunk in. Suddenly my job depends on me actually getting better or lying really well. Suddenly I actually would have to stay sober. I was already second guessing spending probably thousands on a program that probably won't help. I spent thousands last year and look where I ended up. I started crying and my supervisor pulled me aside to find out why and told me to talk to the boss. I did and tried to explain the financial concerns and the fact that I have done this so many times. She said they're concerned about me but also the company and my work. I then later started just completely sobbing and my supervisor talked to me and I just said things are so much worse than they know. I feel utterly hopeless and like I shouldn't bother. I couldn't bring myself to say some things. I did say I am scared. I did say that the idea of dealing with everything without alcohol seems impossible. I want to give up. Part of me even wonders about quitting the job so I can go back to drinking myself to death. I sobbed over the fact that I have no vodka.
I eventually decided on a brilliant plan. Having recently been treated for low sodium and potassium, I decided to buy laxatives and diuretics. I decided to take a couple Librium with the few hard ciders left at home. And see what happens. So I'm having dinner of Diurex, milk of magnesia, 50mg Librium, and either 2 or 3 hard cider. It's not going to kill me.. but tomorrow might be unpleasant. I really see no light at the end of the tunnel anymore.
*edit* it's morning and I feel fine
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