Struggling

I am definitely struggling. After the stomach bug, I know I have been low on energy. I went to work Saturday and standing was physically exhausting. Then Sunday if I crossed my legs, they would either fall asleep or I would have excruciating cramps in my calf muscles. So obviously I am dehydrated or my electrolytes are off. I also am pretty sure I have lost weight but am too scared to weigh myself.

Then for several days I feel like I am losing hope. It started with realizing there is unlikely to be a time in the foreseeable future that we will have enough people at work for me to take time off without it being a major inconvenience. I have on some level accepted that I need to go inpatient (although I don't know if it would help or if I am motivated), but I know right now that we are struggling to keep up with me there. One less analyst would only make it worse.

So for a few days I felt I was handling the stress. Then Monday the manager told me to work on cases when I finished __ number of reruns, and I was struck with the thought that no amount of work is good enough. When I went to get reports from the filing cabinet (thankfully in a separate room), I just started crying. I worked 11 hours Monday. I threw up around midnight but stayed until past 2:30. Today I just couldn't handle things. I was exhausted. I got an email explaining that they want us to work overtime this week but won't pay us for it. Another email setting an unreasonable goal for the day. It is like nobody is acknowledging we simply don't have enough people for the samples we are getting. I feel like as soon as we catch up, we will have another high volume day and be behind again. I am exhausted, suicidal, and physically unwell.. but I feel terribly guilty for not working overtime. I cried several times. I said to my supervisor that I feel like this is just going to continue and that it's bullshit they won't even pay us. They are interviewing people but it takes months to fully train someone. I then offered to come in on my day off and she said it mattered more that I be ok, so I think it was obvious that I was struggling. I then left the room and cried.

It just doesn't feel like there's hope. I feel too guilty to take medical leave. I feel like if I am still suicidal then I will just go back to drinking even if I go inpatient because I never am mentally well after just a week. It would be a waste if I am not motivated. Physically, I am not well. I am still vomiting at night. I am dehydrated. However, I don't think anyone will take it seriously since it is caused by alcohol. I am back to depending on energy drinks and diet pills. I keep thinking that I should warn my supervisor or manager that I might unexpectedly end up in the hospital, but I don't think there's a way to tell someone you might end up in the hospital for a suicide attempt without freaking them out. It isn't a normal thing to say.

I am taking my days off this week. I am having lunch with a friend, and I desperately want to cancel because I just want to sleep.. but I will go. I don't want to be rude, and I really need to stop isolating. I will go to therapy and see my parents and try to be normal. Then Friday I will go back to work and find out if this endless overtime will continue. I honestly feel like the only way I will end up taking medical leave is if I do try to kill myself, but I hope (?) it won't come to that.