Nervous

Work is still currently hell. They officially made overtime mandatory today. We're expected to do at least 5 hours a week or basically 1 a day.. and that's the mandatory. They expect us to do more. Last night I threw up twice during my shift, projectile vomited acid in the parking lot (thank god nobody was there to see that), and 2 or 3 more times at home. Clearly, I am healthy enough to be working so much.

Add to the stress that they're doing our yearly employee evaluations. My supervisor keeps postponing them, which is only making me more anxious. Plus, she says that the manager will be there for mine, and I have a feeling it won't be good. I get the feeling I have annoyed my supervisor lately on days I am lead by asking a lot of questions. Tonight I talked to her several times about what everyone should be working on. I would just rather have an opinion on what is priority because nobody ever tells me clearly what needs to be done when we can't finish everything. I have the one analyst who is so slow and short of saying you're too slow, I don't know what to do. I check on where he is and it makes no difference, but somehow she acts like I should be able to motivate him. I sent her a text yesterday because the manager sent one about people working extra today. I asked my supervisor if anyone was working extra Sunday because there were only 4 of us. Her response was basically that I needed to maintain morale and worrying wouldn't help. But shouldn't I worry about being behind? Anyway, I worry my evaluation is going to involve my mental health and it affecting me. I clearly told her I was not sure about being lead. She made me lead Sunday immediately after I told her I can barely function. And truthfully my level of depression and anxiety is disabling and shouldn't be treated differently than other illnesses because I don't choose to have it. I just feel like alcoholism is treated by some as a choice and they may blame my problems on that. I could be entirely wrong, but I am anxious about the evaluation. I don't know how to make them understand how bad things are, and I need help. I am not getting that help mainly because I am concerned about the company. Also, I worry that because I often want to die, I would be wasting time and money. Also, I worry that returning to such a stressful work environment would trigger a relapse. But I also worry the stress and exhaustion will make me do something stupid or that eventually my body will just give out. I crouched down to file reports and had serious trouble standing back up afterwards.

So supposedly my evaluation is tomorrow, and I will update after. I really can't keep this up physically or mentally.