Whispering

So work today was interesting. I was not having a good day. I ran out of my Seroquel and had to switch to the Seroquel XR I am supposed to be taking. I have been putting this off because 1. It has to be taken a couple hours before going to bed which means having to manage those hours without being sick and I have to remember to take it immediately after work 2. I am now supposed to take Trazodone for sleep which used to make me drowsy in the morning. But last night I slept poorly and I threw up shortly after waking up, so I didn't eat much before work.

I went to work and at some point my supervisor and former supervisor were whispering, and I was of course convinced it was about me. I heard him say something about "I sent her home" or I think so. So I was preoccupied but no one said anything to me then. I later told my supervisor I wanted to leave by midnight and would make up the overtime later because I slept poorly and wasn't feeling well. She said she needed to discuss some things with me before I left. I managed to convince myself it was either about the drinking or about my mental health. I tried to reassure myself that they wouldn't let me work all day if I was being fired.

She was perfectly upbeat most of the day, so it was odd how serious it sounded. I also heard her whispering with the lab supervisor and was trying to think how it could relate to me.

Well before she left, she did pull me aside to show me a couple reports and mistakes. My first question was if I was being fired. She said of course not. This is my first "error" in nearly 2 years at the company. We actually had a laugh about it. It is a warning, but we talked about how it's pretty amazing to have gone 2 years without a warning. We ended up laughing about my reaction, and I guess her serious tone had been fear of how I would react. I think she knows me well enough to know I take things seriously. I worry about every report anyone closes. I think some of that is work ethic and some is having been the patient being tested. I once tested positive for PCP and have joked about this at work. I learned through reading some documents the company had that a prescription I was on (lamictal) can cause a positive for pcp on enzyme immunoassays. At the time, the hospital did another test because I think I don't seem the type to be lying about taking PCP, but I understand the importance of the reports we send out. (I feel I should say that the kind of testing we do matters because people on lamictal definitely don't test positive for PCP).

Anyway, I think I am paranoid because I am stressed and exhausted. I know that it's pretty obvious. We are pretty much caught up, and I am feeling slightly better. I really just need sleep. I ended up leaving at 1. There is another analyst assigned as lead, and he is doing well. I am still trying to be more active in checking on everyone and praising them or encouraging them. I do care about morale. The company decided to do a Valentine's exchange. Everyone else gave candy, but I gave stickers and toys. I have cards but didn't have time today to deal with them, so I will do that tomorrow. They have glow in the dark insect stickers. I am actually making an effort to fake enthusiasm. I discussed with my supervisor over dinner that truly the company has always eventually recognized our effort. It hasn't always been with money. It has been time off, gift cards, meals and snacks. It has always happened. The boss, I think, always fights for us, but the bigger the company gets the harder it is to compensate us. It is better to be overwhelmed by new clients than to have sample volume drop. However, newer employees didn't go through the dry times. They never had the same fear from losing clients, so they don't have the same joy that this surge in volume creates. I just had to push past the exhaustion to remind myself of it. So tonight hopefully I will sleep and tomorrow remember that I do love my job and my efforts have always been recognized. I mean my supervisor laughing over me being written up is being truly recognized for being good at what I do. She is more afraid of my response than of me making errors. She even said she may argue certain consequences aren't necessary for me because this is the first error in 2 years.

Now I am going to bed. Goodnight