Songs

This is going to be random musings, so I feel like warning anyone reading it.

I decided to rename my blog and thought I would explain the reference. I have a slight obsession with a band called The Town Pants. My mom introduced me to them after they were at a local Irish festival. I have seen them live once and am hopefully seeing them again this year. I was raised on Irish music. My mom listened to the Clancy brothers and Tommy Makem while folding laundry.. it's one of those childhood memories that stuck with me.

Anyway, there's a couple Town Pants songs I really love and lines that stick in my head. One of them is "I played the fool and broke the rules and let them say their worst 'cause I had an angel's face and twice the devil's thirst". It always felt like it described my alcoholism. Nobody expected me to be an alcoholic. Everyone is surprised when they find out. Nobody really sees me and expects me to have so many mental illnesses. I have that angel's face where people trust me, but I have so many self destructive habits. I can remember this younger man at AA who was seriously surprised by how much I drank, and I was surprised that he thought that. I never drank socially, so I really had no idea at first about how much was considered a lot. I drank a bottle of vodka a day but was convinced others wouldn't think that was a problem. It also wasn't that gradual. I started with a bottle of wine a day. When I switched to vodka, it was 8-10 shots. So my thirst for alcohol and for oblivion was always extreme. It was never just fun. It was to black out. So that's why the song fits.

My other favorite song has a part that goes "Why does feeling like dying make me think that I've been living? Life won't be over if I don't wake up hungover. I don't want to feel this way. Death feels like me today." And that pretty much sums up my life.

So yeah.. if you feel like it look up the Town pants. My actual favorite song is either Mr Valentine's dead or the Rasputin one but those are not so descriptive of my life.

Today I actually went to a friend's house for lunch. I have known her since 4th grade? A long time. We talked about work and pets and random things. I met her 2 dogs and one of her cats insisted on sitting on my lap but then tried to bite me if I touched her. Her parents always had a lot of animals because her mom worked at a vet clinic. They had up to 20 cats and 3 dogs. It was a coworker of her mom's that found Mudge and 2 other kittens in a box and bottle fed them until old enough to be adopted. I had a good time. Afterwards, I went shopping for a new purse but didn't find one. I went grocery shopping and only bought popsicles. By that point I was physically exhausted. I don't know if I am sick or dehydrated or just tired, so I am home and back in bed now. Tomorrow I have therapy and my parents. Hoping I can handle it.