Seriously?!

Officially today overtime is now mandatory 2-3 hours a day and on days off. This job may seriously be the death of me. This is fucked up.

I had my evaluation, and it was not as bad as expected. They still said some annoying things. I am a good and hard worker, but basically I don't communicate enough. That I need to be more confident. Like my supervisor said I need to tell her the status of reruns and how many I am getting done. At the same time I should be able to prioritize what needs to be done without asking her. I did defend myself by saying that I do update the lead several times a shift about what is done. The supervisor kind of gives mixed signals about whether or not I am annoying her by coming to her cubicle. I also at some point flat out said that I have severe social anxiety.

The one good thing that came of this was the manager actually asked if I want to be lead, and I said I don't. I said that I am not good at it. They asked if it would bother me if someone newer than me did it, which it won't at all. So now I am co-lead with someone. I am good at answering questions and giving opinions. People are generally comfortable asking me and do so frequently. I am bad at conflict and communicating with other departments (although I mentioned that recently I have been going to the lab with problems directly). I told the lab supervisor about a mistake I found even though I probably got someone in trouble. I also went to him to explain a stat rerun request and why I needed it.

So anyway the most frustrating thing was basically being told that I need to act like I am not stressed. That I need to not stress about things and let them worry about it. I'm sorry but the lead should worry. I also have a fucking mental illness and am working 11 hour shifts. It isn't reasonable to expect me to act happy the whole time. I don't tell anyone besides the supervisor when I am worried. I do not cry at my desk. I joke and laugh and tell people how well they are doing, but I do not smile and laugh 100% of the time. But whatever.

I also have to reschedule therapy so I can show up for the department meeting on my day off every week now. However I am taking my Wednesday off this week because I need sleep. Physically and mentally, I need a day off. I am honestly willing to go to HR if they try to make me work 7 days a week and point out that I have a medical condition (mental and physical) and am happy to get a doctor's note about this to explain that I can't work that much. I am 100% sure my psychiatrist would do that. I can get something limiting my schedule or I can take medical leave and they won't have me at all. Because sooner or later if this trend continues, I am going to end up in the hospital or dead. I keep getting dizzy every morning. I am dehydrated. My liver function is compromised. I am still suicidal at times.

So tonight/tomorrow I mostly plan to sleep. I am beyond exhausted.