I have not been sleeping well since stuff at work got worse. I keep waking up during the night and then going through a cycle. I see what time it is and how long I have until I have to be up. I usually debate setting the alarm for later. I then do the math to decide if I can have another drink and be relatively sober by then. I have a drink. Sometimes I go back to sleep and others I spend some time doing things on my phone. The end result is that I am drinking more and sleeping less.
Last night was another story. I managed to stay asleep for a while but trapped in this seemingly endless dream. I don't remember all of it, but basically I was traveling to different places looking for a place to kill myself. It was like I was running away from home and where anyone would find me, so I could have a place to die. This really isn't that different from the period right before my first inpatient stay last year where I was researching hotels with the plan of getting a room, bringing some nice food, pills and vodka, and drinking myself to death. So I woke up a little disturbed. I can't decide if the dream scared me or gave me ideas. Either way it left me in a bad mood before work.
I was upset at work because people are working late, I didn't get my usual desk, which faces another cubicle. I was at one facing out.. this is tricky to explain but the cubicles have glass not solid walls and I was facing the walkway, so people were constantly walking by. It feels like being on display, and at the moment my face and arms are a mess from constant picking. So I sat half the time with a hand on my cheek to try to hide. I finally moved to my desk when someone went home. The lead messaged me to because she said it looked like I was being shunned facing away like that and because nobody was at the other computers in my cube today. It felt nice she said it because it is sometimes depressing being alone in the cubicle even though I can still hear people in hers.
It otherwise was an okay day. I made the mistake of listening to the audio book of Wasted and that rather added to the suicidal thoughts. I haven't talked to the boss. She was working on her day off today and in a great mood about how much she finished, and I couldn't bring myself to talk to her and ruin it. I still don't know what to tell her. The dream does make me think I need to say something to someone. I think I am trying to decide exactly what I can say to cause enough concern that they may lighten my workload but not so much they insist that I go on leave. I feel like any mention of the overdose will lead to being pressured to get help but not telling her enough would either just seem like whining or being told that we're all tired.
I am a little proud that I talked to someone I don't know. We were getting dinner at the same time and said something about wanting something that I eat frequently, so I recommended it. I also commented on how they sell soup with no heating instructions, and her and another coworker told me how long they heated it. This is only impressive if you realize that I usually buy my food and awkwardly sit by myself.
My job is doing a Valentine's card exchange. We are supposed to make boxes for people to put cards in like they do in school. I really don't want to participate, but part of my evaluation was that I need to participate in team building activities, so this would be a bad time to refuse. It's just that I am working 3:30-2am and exhausted and I have to find time somehow to get the box and cards and that takes away from the sleep I really need. I already offered/suggested to buy the analysts heart shaped pizza on Tuesday in the spirit of the holiday because that seems an appropriate way to celebrate working all night on Valentine's Day.. and I like pizza. I was planning on buying them candy because I like feeding people, but this is too much effort. I hated this kind of thing as a kid. I was the one that even though we were required to give a card to everyone, would hide the ones for the kids that bullied me because I refused to give a Valentine to kids like that. It is not my holiday. But I will probably buy some stupid container and cards to seem like a team player because then maybe I can avoid some other team building activities without being criticized in the future.
Now I should really go to bed.
But because instead of sleeping I am listening to the Clancy brothers and to the Town Pants, let's see if I can share a song
The Unlikely Redemption of Oliver Reed
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