Too tired

I seem to be perpetually exhausted these days. I am not entirely sure why, and I am not sure how to fix it. The problem is that depending on the cause, some of the solutions could make it worse.

I switched from just taking Seroquel to Seroquel XR and trazodone. Since then, I am waking up more frequently during the night and early morning. I don't know if it would help to take a 2nd trazodone or if that will make me more drowsy in the morning. So I can take 2 and not wake up multiple times but feel hungover the next day. Currently, I am not taking the trazodone and just drinking to fall back asleep.

Caffeine.. I started drinking energy drinks or taking diet pills again when the overtime at work increased. It helps while I am there, but it might be why I am not sleeping well. So I can cut out caffeine and hope for restful sleep, but then I don't have the boost to focus at work. Plus, I am concerned that caffeine only makes my stomach worse. So I am trying to limit but not eliminate caffeine. I mostly am replacing it with sugar and candy.

Nutrition. I have always struggled to accept that I can be fat and malnourished, but some of what I am dealing with is either related to nutrition or dehydration. Struggling to walk up stairs or crouch down and stand back up suggests either muscle loss or that I am not getting enough fuel. That just makes me wonder if my heart is still healthy. I am still getting dizzy randomly which is probably dehydration. I am doing damage control by drinking water and pedialyte, but I have no idea if it's enough. I don't know if there's any point going to my doctor to get blood tests if nothing is likely to fix this if I am still drinking. The alcohol is probably the cause of the gastritis that leads to me vomiting. I feel like I am just waiting until it is bad enough to go to the ER for iv fluids.

I am trying to eat more, but I have so little desire to eat. Today I really had to force myself to eat at work because I was depressed but know that I need to eat. I am so exhausted when I wake up that I end up deciding to sleep rather than get lunch before work, so I get hungry at work and that leads to more nausea and difficulties eating.

So basically I am a mess. The only real solution would be getting sober, and I am just not ready to face the mess I have made of my life sober. Instead, I am just waiting until it reaches the point where I can't function or someone intervenes. I am too exhausted to cut or really think seriously about suicide, so that's a plus. Work is still frustrating. We have a relatively new analyst and she doesn't seem to understand that we can't always leave at midnight. I am not exactly lead anymore but tonight she kept saying we should aim to leave early. I finally said no. Aim for midnight maybe, and of course she basically announced at midnight she was leaving. Me and my now Co-lead stayed until after 1 trying to sort out an issue. Technically, I think we are still supposed to be working 10 hours but nobody is. I also know that 2 analysts took much longer than a 30 minute lunch, but my supervisor has been doing this too, so I have no idea how to address it without making people angry. I took only 15 minutes because I realized that an employee that works from home probably had no idea who to contact if she couldn't reach me, so I didn't want to be away from my computer (I then told her who she could contact if I wasn't there). It was just a bit of anarchy tonight, and I am most worried about not staying later.

I did also allow myself to obsess and find out what happened with one of my errors, but I don't think it will help to tell them. I feel better knowing that I was right about what happened. I just think I will sound crazy if I explain how I figured it out because I didn't even know what sample it was so I had to work that out when I should probably just have kept working. I am so tired that I am working slowly.

I realized that I agreed to see my therapist at noon Wednesday, and Wednesday is normally my day to sleep. I think I may have to figure out another time to see her. I am off Thursday but have a meeting at work at 3, so I don't really have the day off. I am tempted to ask if there is any way to change things so I don't have to go in on my day off because this truly isn't fair, but it may not seem unreasonable to someone who only sleeps 8 hours a night and isn't used to having a day to spend entirely in bed. I think I will discuss it with my therapist.

Tonight I should probably go to sleep.