Assertiveness

I thought I would try to post something positive and what I feel is progress, even if only small.

I feel like lately I am actually learning to be more assertive about expressing what I want or need. This includes at work and outside. Last week I originally asked my mom about coming over on a different day. I then realized I was exhausted and really wanted to sleep on my day off, and rather than lying told her about the overtime at work and not having the energy to come over. I considered lying and saying I had to work or something, but I decided that working close to 60 hours last week was a valid enough reason to stay home and rest. This week I did go. It was very nice to see my parents. I went with my mom to walk the dog and told her about things at work, and it was nice to have the chance to explain how upsetting some of it is. I think I needed validation on some of it, but I have had nobody to really tell. Between being exhausted and having picked at my face a lot lately, I really didn't want to go to a restaurant for dinner, so I asked if we could cook spaghetti and eat there. So we made pasta and sauce and extra so I could take home leftovers. I helped cook, which was nice because I always helped making spaghetti as a kid. She uses canned tomato sauce but adds all the herbs, and there isn't really a written recipe. I just learned how it should look and the ratio of basil and oregano. We use whole bay leaves and if you got the bay leaf when it was served, you made a wish. By the way, the bay leaf is in my leftover sauce, but I haven't made a wish yet. Anyway, it was nice to have a simple evening and go home. I also finally did laundry. I think I have lost weight because the jeans I wore today were looser than I remember. Honestly, yesterday I had applesauce and saltines before work, a yogurt parfait and candy at work, and pedialyte pops at home... which I guess isn't a lot. I really need to work on eating some more nutritious food because I think it's why my stomach is worse.

At work, I am trying. I am trying both to encourage others and also express myself. I told my mom about the suggestions I made in my evaluation and that I clearly told them where I need training. One suggestion was to tell everyone how many desks/computers are available, so night people can come in early. There aren't enough for both shifts to be there at once some days, and it's so complicated remembering everyone's schedule. I said this and that same day the manager sent an email about it. She also was clearer yesterday about what she wanted finished, and I had said that I would like help knowing what is priority when not everything can be finished. I didn't realize until telling my mom some things that they are paying attention. Things are getting better. I also realized talking to my supervisor recently that the reason I can tolerate all this is that it was much scarier to not have enough work. It was terrifying to be told not to come in. Those were the moments that I worried about losing my job. Now, I am willing to work extra because at least it means the company is growing. It means job security.

Still, I am struggling and tired. I am willing to give this a chance because for whatever reason I believe in the company and because I have made friends here. We are caught up and rumor is going back to working 5 days a week. I realize that giving feedback is accomplishing something. They are changing other things to make our jobs easier. Mainly things in the lab I don't understand, and I have learned not to ask about. The medical director's explanations tend to be more confusing than anything. So I am just trusting that I will survive this. I am not thinking about treatment for now because I would rather stay on good terms with my job than deal with everything else. Eventually, I will have to deal with life, but I can't deal with it now. Now I can pretty much handle work and sleep.