So I spent the majority of yesterday drunk in bed. I had no desire to function. I got up for about 2 hours to go to Target. I bought popsicles and pedialyte and water. I then went back to bed and watched 30 Rock.
Today I remembered rather late that I had to be at work at 2:30 instead of 3:30, and I didn't really have time to get something to eat like planned. I pretty much had time for a shower and a popsicle.
We had our department meeting. I did find out they are planning to give us basically extra time off (comp time) in exchange for the overtime. This will come in handy when I inevitably end up in treatment. We all got the lecture about trying not to seem stressed and reaching out to those who do. Also the boss mentioned coming to her to talk instead of each other. They created levels of overtime.. one being extra hours, one being extra hours plus working on a day off, and the highest being 7 days a week. We are currently on the middle level, so I worked 6.5 hours today. I didn't take a lunch and only ate an apple sauce, so I kinda felt like shit by the end.
I am still worried about the overtime and how it is affecting me. I am considering going to the boss and telling her. I didn't feel brave enough today. I am also mentally planning what to tell her. I don't want to seem unwilling to help. I don't want to seem too sick to be working. I just feel like someone should know that it is affecting me and that if it continues I may not be able to do this. I feel like if I get worse, I would rather they adapt my schedule than for me to suddenly end up in the hospital. I would rather talk to her than HR guy because I have known her longer. I have to balance saying enough to cause concern (and make someone realize this is valid and not just complaining) with causing so much concern that I be forced to take leave now. That means probably not mentioning the overdose. I am probably going to talk to her tomorrow. I just don't want this fear in my head, and I frequently feel like the supervisor and manager don't understand. I think they either think that my problems are entirely work related, they focus on the drinking or my behavior, or they don't understand how severe things are. The boss seems to understand more. From previous conversations, I have gathered that she has friends and family with addiction or mental illness problems, so I think she knows that it isn't a choice. She and I have talked a couple times. Some things she found out through my former supervisor (after he decided to tell about me getting stitches), but I chose to tell her about the drinking myself. She also knows about me quitting school, which very few people actually know about. I told her first to make sure it wouldn't jeopardize my job.
I had to cancel therapy to go to work today. I initially texted my mom about going there Wednesday instead of Thursday. I then texted her saying I would rather not come over and explained the overtime situation. I just couldn't face driving all that way for dinner. She agreed that the whole work thing is unreasonable and that I must be tired. I told my parents some about it last week and how I was starting to consider finding another job.
Tonight I am going to bed early. I left work around 9 because I couldn't do a full shift. I really am trying to seem ok. I did enjoy actually being at the meeting because by phone it is hard to actually talk. Being there, I was able to contribute.. mainly rerun stuff. Several of my concerns others actually brought up (I was so tired that I could hardly think) but I was able to explain my experience and we got some things accomplished. I forget at times that this is my first job where my opinion actually matters. I forget that I am more or less (really not intended as bragging) considered the expert on certain topics because it's what I do. I got stuck with the task because my supervisor hated reruns, but I don't want to give it up because it has gotten me so much recognition.
It was nice in the meeting because the boss refers to us as the elite. She really acknowledges how much goes into our job because the machines and computers are dumb. While they can try to make the data accurate, it still takes a lot of training to turn it into an accurate report. I have watched them (her and the medical director) explain to clients why analysts are important. They are taking a lot of steps to make our job easier. I think getting behind finally made them realize how much harder it is now than when I was hired. They realize that the little problems add up. For a while, they seemed to blame us for slowing down rather than acknowledging that the more we test for and the more machines we have, the more complicated it becomes.
I will stop rambling for tonight because I should probably just go to sleep.
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