Self sabotage

 I am really struggling at the moment. My mood is slightly better.. I laugh more, I smile more, and I don't feel like I'm going to cry at any moment. However, my thoughts are still absolute shit. Actually, it's not just thoughts. It's behaviors too. I'm having a lot of suicidal thoughts and thoughts about self harm.. actually what I have in my head is less an actual suicide attempt and more a massive form of self harm. I am cutting. I am hoarding pills (although I've had a stash for months now). What I'm really struggling with is the difference between my thoughts and my feelings. I think my mood should be sad if I'm having all these thoughts.

So the only rational thing is to start messing with my meds, right? I decided to cut back on my Lithium and Wellbutrin for the week and see what happens. This is the sabotage the title is referring to. I know nothing good will come of this. Either it will make no difference or more likely it will make things worse. Obviously, I haven't told anyone. I have therapy tomorrow and am debating in my head how much I can tell her before she decides I need to go inpatient (she's already asked me if I think I need it). I am ok with her suggesting it but not if she decides she needs to call my parents or the police or something. That's what I'm avoiding because I don't want to go until I decide I want to go. I know it's likely to happen, but I'm just not ready to admit that. 

Wow, I really intended to have a more coherent post, but it didn't end up that way. I am safe. My head is just in a horrible place, and I don't know what to do about it. If I went inpatient now and I smile or laugh, they'll think I'm fine or I'm lying. I may decide to go back on all of my meds. I didn't throw the pills out. I just put them somewhere. Rationally, I know I need help, but I'm not exactly rational most of the time.