Still managing

 I haven't known what to write the past few days. I'm not doing so well. I haven't been taking my Wellbutrin in my continued attempt at self sabotage, and I'm starting to feel the difference. I'm consuming a ridiculous amount of caffeine to keep functioning, which is fun because it makes me nauseous. I haven't done anything more self destructive than usual, so I suppose that's good. It doesn't mean my thoughts are any better. 

I see my psych this week, and I think I will bring up with him that I don't think the therapist is going to work out. There's a few reasons. The main one is that her schedule is so full that I end up having several weeks in a row with no appointment. It happened for the majority of January, and she can't see me during the first 3 weeks of March. Clearly, I am not well enough to be without therapy for almost a month. I also just don't think her style will work.. she's very much the "How does that make you feel?" style. I will talk, and she'll just keep saying "Tell me about that." Now she wants to work on EMDR, and my issue with it is the same as when my therapist in residential brought it up. EMDR deals mainly with the past, and I'm having far too much trouble in the present to try to deal with the past. I need help with my current thoughts and feelings and behaviors more than the origin of my core beliefs and whatever else I'm supposed to be dealing with. Does that seem reasonable? Maybe it's just an excuse, but I currently expect to end up inpatient in the next couple weeks. I'm hanging on by a thread. Anyway, the first reason is probably enough to justify changing. My hope is that there's someone within the same practice that can see me regularly, and it's a bonus if that person has a different style. I need feedback and not to just ramble endlessly. I am well aware that my thoughts aren't logical, so I need them challenged. I haven't been entirely honest with her, so that might be a problem. I'm just trying to delay the inevitable hospitalization. 

It might be good.. or pointless, but I am sort of attending online AA meetings. I don't know if I mentioned this, but it was discussed with my case manager for the disability attorney that it might look good if I can show I am working on maintaining my recovery. I say sort of because at least once I have logged on to the website and then stayed logged in without actually listening to the meeting, but the topic was on how our higher power shows up in our lives. I don't do the higher power thing at the moment (which is a whole other post). Several meetings I have at least listened in on. I honestly don't have a lot of thoughts are feeling about it because I don't feel connected to much of anything or anyone anymore. I'm just going through the motions. I am so tired. I've been going to sleep around 10:30 and sleeping until 8:30, so I'm sleeping 9-10 hours a night. That's after at least 2 cups of coffee, 3-4 diet sodas, and a diet pill. If I end up inpatient, I am going to crash so hard. 

I think I should write something else, but I don't know what. The lack of medication is fucking with my head. I'm just going through the motions and caffeinating enough to keep up appearances. I see my psych tomorrow, and maybe I'll at least be honest about not taking the medication.