Yet another new therapist

 I am back to being too lazy to check what I have written previously and so probably repeating myself, which is not exactly a new habit. Plus honestly, if anyone reads this they might want the recap. Anyway, at the end of December my old therapist stopped accepting my insurance. Honestly, I was ok with this because she had on more than one occasion announced that I said I didn't want to get better and therefore she couldn't help me. Only problem is that I never said that and she is misinterpreting something I did say and deciding without clarifying that I don't want to get better. Plus, she really wanted me to get a job and would not listen to any of my arguments about why I wanted to at least wait and see if disability works out since I've been waiting over a year for a decision about it. I started in December with a new physicians assistant for my meds at a new psychiatrist's office and made an appointment with a therapist there for January. 

In January, I saw this new therapist, but then she couldn't see me again for almost a month because her schedule is so full. I saw her in February, and while I had appointments scheduled for the rest of February, she couldn't see me the first 3 weeks of March. While I'm relatively stable, I don't think I'm doing well enough to be going 3 weeks to a month between appointments. The PA agreed with me, so he asked the office staff to schedule me with another therapist. I am trying to see if I can see someone out of that same office because then I think the PA and therapist can communicate more easily than if I go elsewhere. I actually didn't like the first therapist there anyways (besides the schedule issue) because she seemed like a robot. She'd just keep saying "tell me about that" instead of giving any sort of feedback. Then she decided I should do EMDR because that's what she does, and I agreed because I am non confrontational. However, I don't really have a history of trauma, which is the main thing they use EMDR for. 

Today, I saw the new therapist, and I got a better feeling about her. I hate first therapy appointments because I don't know what to talk about. I basically said the main problems right now are depression and self harm. I obviously mentioned the alcohol and the bulimia, but I'm doing pretty ok with those things. We talked about why I'm cutting and if I want to change.. I said it's pretty much 50/50. I want to change, but I also know that self harm works and I don't have anything to replace it with. We talked about other things I can try like exercise or journalling, and I did say that I had started writing on my blog again. She asked if I would share something I wrote, and I awkwardly said no.. mostly I was unprepared, but I also like having some privacy. I'm sometimes more honest on here than I would be with my therapist. Anyway, she seems nice and very goal oriented, which is good for me. I lied when she asked if there's any thoughts of suicide. I'm.. not sure what the answer even is. I'm not really suicidal, but I have these urges to do certain behaviors that might be seen as suicidal. To me it's more wanting to hurt myself severely enough to need to be hospitalized, but I am assuming I won't die. Anyway, I didn't mention that. I don't know if she would push me to go inpatient, and I'm not really interested in going inpatient. I don't really have a plan, so I don't think it's necessary at this point. I see the therapist again next week, so I'll see how I'm feeling about things then. 

Speaking of secrets and lies.. I have gotten good at ordering innocent items and less innocent items from Amazon in the same orders, so that if my parents ask I can say I bought some normal thing without mentioning the other item. Today's innocent purchases were a shirt, a bra, and an eyeshadow pencil. The less innocent purchases were caffeine pills and first aid supplies. I have gotten very dependent on caffeine, and I only bought a small number of diet pills a few weeks ago. I also honestly think it's self care to buy first aid supplies since I am going to self harm one way or another. This lessens the risk of infection or serious scarring. Still, I can't explain either of those purchases to my parents. The bra is actually so that if I end up going inpatient, I have another bra without an underwire because I refuse to go without a bra in the hospital, and I only have a couple of bras without underwires (which aren't allowed in hospitals here). The shirt is a green shirt to wear to the North Texas Irish Festival.. assuming I don't get myself hospitalized between now and then. Can you see that I have decided the hospitalization is inevitable? I just don't want it to happen yet. My brain is a strange place these days.