I don't think it was ever possible to feel well drinking as much as I do. I've heard that blacking out is pretty much a sign of alcohol poisoning. Though, in my case it's complicated by drinking and taking a lot of medication. Either way, 15-20 shots of vodka can't be good for me, right?
I've gone through phases. Each phase had different physical symptoms, and occasionally I'd be mostly ok.
There was a phase where I would get sick when I was drinking, and I had to be careful and do all sorts of things to make sure I didn't throw up. I had to pace myself. I had certain chasers. I balanced it with certain foods. Lots of habits and tricks.
There was a phase where I would get sick in the morning. I think it was blood sugar related, and I've heard other alcoholics talk about it. Alcohol screws up your blood sugar, so I'm guessing it would crash in the morning. It meant if I didn't eat by a certain time, I would spontaneously start throwing up even if I had nothing in my stomach. I was so glad when that seemed to stop. Especially because with an eating disorder, my body forcing me to eat in the morning was very upsetting.
Let's see... eventually, the blacking out seemed to get worse. There were more signs I was actually doing things while blacked out instead of just showering and going to bed. There were more times I fell down. I'd wake up to find things knocked over or find mystery bruises. I kept getting upset because I would continue playing computer games (which probably should not have been the thing that I focused on). I was never overly concerned with hurting myself. I worried about somehow hurting the cats or if (God forbid) I decided to drive or in any way hurt someone else.
Then the past few days. I don't know if this is alcohol or because I had been binging and purging a lot (so dehydration, electrolytes, etc) or whatever, but I've been feeling weird. I'll randomly get either dizzy or lightheaded. I'll feel like my arms or legs have fallen asleep. It's weird because it doesn't happen at predictable times.
Like I was meeting a friend for lunch today, and I got there early. I was sitting in my car and just started feeling weird. Not exactly dizzy, but weird. So I decided to get up and walk around a store that was nearby. It felt a bit better to be moving. Then in the restaurant we were waiting to order, and I just got really lightheaded. I felt a little sick while I ate. I felt a little bad because I ordered a sandwich and soup combo. I ate the sandwich and the chips it came with, but I couldn't manage the soup. I was eating with a friend who is anorexic, and I hate not finishing food, but it just wasn't good. She also knows about the alcoholism, and I did tell her I was lightheaded. I did what I could.
I felt a bit better after having a couple glasses of water. I was looking online while at my parents house, and I found a few sites (didn't read in detail) that mentioned dizziness as a symptom of high blood pressure.. and that has definitely been a problem lately. It's one of the biggest withdrawal symptoms in this latest phase. The kind of blood pressure I can feel. I contemplated looking through my mom's medicine for something for blood pressure but decided that was a bit crazy. The latest phase also includes the tremors and muscle twitches.
So... I get home tonight, and I'm tired, and I feel shitty. And it's like I feel too poorly to drink, but I know I feel poorly because I need to drink. It's a horrible position to be in. School starts on the 12th, and this needs to stop.
I am drinking tonight because I had some vodka left and I don't feel like doing withdrawal tonight. I am thinking I may have a few drinks in the day tomorrow. I am going to church in the evening and (I do know this is not logical to a non-alcoholic) it is safer for me to be driving and be out at night if I am not detoxing and going through withdrawal. I just need that tiny bit (a couple bottles of hard cider which is equivalent to 2 beers) to maybe make me feel normal. Then Wednesday no drinks.
Of course, this is currently all talk. I've thought plans like this last week and the week prior to that. Action is what counts. I am just so fucking tired. I cannot handle feeling sick all of the time. I wonder often if I should really be driving or be out in public when I'm sober. I read a website today that talked about one of the detox symptoms as depersonalization or feeling like a spectator watching what's going on.. and that really actually describes what happens some times. Other times I just can't focus. Today wasn't that bad, but there are bad days. Days where I seriously think I should call someone for a ride. That's no ok. I know it's not ok. I feel guilty for that. I feel scared. I am usually fully aware of how wrong the things I am doing are. I am aware, but I feel I have no other choice. I am just so tired.
I honestly feel like I need to get sober or I will not survive this semester. One way or another I will not. I can't. This is not life. I have good times, but lately they are so outweighed by the bad and the sickness and the fear.
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