Not my proudest moment

I am not a fan of showing my emotions.. except maybe around a certain few people.. and honestly that number of people has dwindled over the past year or two. I think the more times I've relapsed, the more I worry about being judged, so the more I feel like I need to hide it all.

But today that didn't work out. The last post explains the full situation with grad school.. basically problems with getting a class schedule and getting my financial aid. Well, I go to AA at noon.. and I didn't want to go. I was feeling depressed. I pretty much woke up, got dressed, and went.. and I have this weird paranoia at times the mornings after I've been drinking.. that there's something in my hair or on my face or I have a bruise or something.. and I feel like everyone can see it, and I missed it. Or I worry I smell. or something. Today was like that. I went in the restroom and had to check myself from all angles in the mirror. I was fine.

I got depressed during the meeting. I don't know why exactly. I can't really even remember the topic. I just remember wanting to cry and feeling suicidal. Well, then the meeting ends and my sponsor says she has to go to work. I go to leave and check my phone. I have 2 emails from my boss. One saying can I go back to teaching the 2 tuesday labs. One saying to come talk to her because the schedule changes are complicated. I also do not have an email from the financial aid office about what's going on there.

And.. people keep walking by and asking if I'm ok, and I think gradually the expression on my face became less and less ok. And I stopped being able to find words to really answer. Then I just started crying. Whenever I was able to speak, I would just say school problems. Finally one woman stops, and she asks if she should go get my sponsor, and I say she was going to work. Well, I guess she got another woman who pretty much forces me into the back room and sits me down, and I try to explain.. and anyway. She says a prayer.. and then basically the rest amounts to her telling me to just go to school and deal with it and not worry about anyone judging me (I have this fear they judge me for not having graduated yet)

I managed to get the class problem fixed. I haven't gotten the financial stuff fixed. When I got home, I did manage to go online through the department of education and find online where they show the full amount of loans they gave me this year. The amount that they show as accepted for this year, is only what I was given in Fall. That means they did approve loans for me to be given this semester, so this is an issue with the school. Mainly, this means I am not totally crazy. The documents I was given in August showed that full amount, and what I am seeing now is not the same number. This makes me happy because I really doubt my memory these days since the alcohol has screwed it up. I was still depressed and feeling a bit crazy after this (I spent a lot of time staring at my computer).

I went to 2 more meetings. I was a little embarrassed to go after the whole crying thing, but it was ok. Still.. 3 meetings today and I'm drinking. I feel like a failure.