I keep losing track of when I've written.. my mind has been all over the place lately. I don't think I've mentioned that I haven't been taking all my medication. There were a couple weeks (well probably not 2 full weeks) I wasn't taking my Wellbutrin. I ran out and just didn't fill it. I started it again at some point (have you noticed I don't do time well?). Well, then I ran out of my Lamictal, and I haven't taken it in a week or so. It finally reached a point where I decided to just wait until I saw my psychiatrist because he'll probably order a new prescription when I see him if he wants me taking it.. if he doesn't then it would be a waste of money filling it. It's really stupid why I haven't filled it. My pharmacy will let me order refills online. Yay for no human contact! Well, my doctor only writes the prescriptions with one refill, and somewhere along the line the timing got messed up (either because I wasn't taking it or was in hospital) and I ended up with extra prescriptions. When a prescription gets called in too soon to be filled, it gets put on file. Well, those prescriptions can't be filled online. I have to call, and I hate making phone calls.. so I just haven't called. I considered going to the pharmacy and asking in person, but that seemed odd.. even though it's still better than not taking it. So some amount of my recent insanity might be that I'm not taking my mood stabilizer. It might also explain some of the insomnia.
Anyway.. I started training at work Sunday. It went well. I know a couple of the people who work there and I like most of the others. Sunday was a class about what they do, the drugs the screen for, and some basic policies. I was there for 3 hours. I was originally supposed to go to my parents house for dinner afterwards, but the weather was supposed to be bad and the roads were supposed to be icy in the evening, so I had to stay home. I was actually pretty upset. I've realized just how isolated this job is going to make me.. I mean I'll be around coworkers, but I won't be able to go to meetings everyday anymore. I may not be able to see my parents more than once a week. I can hopefully go to church, but I may not be able to go to lunch with friends after. So I was upset. I came home after worked and binged and purged. Monday I was stuck at home because the roads were icy.. I tried to read articles for school and only managed a few. I binged and purged and watched tv and felt a little crazy because I really didn't want to be at home.
Yesterday I did manage some reading for school and then worked 3-8:30. Today I went to school 10am-3pm and then worked 4-9:30. School isn't going well. I just am not getting things done. I am trying, but I am just stuck.. I think I am going to try to talk to my advisor Friday and see if she has any advice or at least just admit that I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I feel dumb because I just can't write. I know I'm not going to be done by May at this point.. and I am trying my best not to let that upset me, but it does. Maybe talking to her will help. I am still half convinced in my head that I'm going to have some mental breakdown in the near future. It doesn't help that I'm not telling anyone that. I'm not talking about this with anyone.
Oh and I haven't really eaten since Monday. Yesterday and today I've been living off water, coke zero, sugar free lifesavers, and lots of gum. But I feel like sometimes that keeps this sort of panic in my head in check. I don't feel well though. I was having trouble focusing at work tonight. That's why I left when I did. I knew I would start making mistakes if I kept going because I was tired.
I see my psychiatrist and therapist tomorrow.. and I am going to my parents (which means I have to eat).. and I should probably call my sponsor. I kind of hope this weird (I can't describe this) manic sort of anxiety about school is at least partially a consequence of my medication and it will get better.. and I have at least said to several people that I am graduating in August. I am doing that now so I don't have people asking me in May why I haven't graduated. I just have to come to terms with it. So yeah.. that's all I have for now. I need to go to bed.
I hope you managed to sort something out with your meds. That's definitely gonna be effecting you in a whole range of ways. Is there any way your parents could assist, either by calling for you or going in in-person for you?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear your new job will have you so isolated. It's a bit worrying actually, the thought of all these supports being further away combined with you being alone and trying to overcome some of these self-destructive habits. I don't know what advice to give but I'm just worried for you.
I hope your appointments went well. I think it'd be a really good thing if you're able to open up with one of them at some point. You shouldn't have to go through this solo, especially when you feel so on-the-brink.
Take care <3
xxxx