I know I haven't been updating. I am having trouble making sense of things lately. In some ways things are good or getting better, but in others I am getting worse.
Mainly my head is not getting better. I am exhausted much of the time. I am overwhelmed by the thought of doing anything different from my routine.. mainly the thought of finding a job. I mean I still rely on my parents for transportation, and it isn't likely to improve my financial situation any time soon. I can't even begin to figure out what to do about the debt I have. I am really fed up with people. I look forward to any time I am alone in the house because it is calm and I don't have to worry about what my parents are thinking.
My sponsor.. is doing her best, but I can't wrap my head around working the steps. She wants me to pray, but I am not on speaking terms with god. I don't believe in the whole finding a god of my understanding because logically I know that you can't just create a deity to fit your needs. Not everyone who creates a concept of god can be right. I believe in a god that created things, but trying to have any relationship with him hasn't really helped. Right now my higher power is my parents and my treatment team because I don't want the consequences of relapse. I am doing what is asked of me, but I don't see how this is going to work. I still think about drinking many times each day. I think about when I can go get it, how I can not get caught, but I have so far chosen to wait. But I feel a relapse coming.
It doesn't help all this that the eating disorder is bad. I am purging 2-3 times a day. I am using laxatives a couple times a week. I can't stand feeling full, and I am just stuck in the cycle of eating and feeling uncomfortable and purging. I think about food a lot. The last couple times I was home alone I binged. I know this is probably why I am exhausted.
But I am 3 months sober and out of the hospital. I am just exhausted and depressed and just trying to survive. I just want the freedom to drink myself to death.
