I am not really sure when or what I posted the last time, so I am just going to do a general update if anyone is interested. Then if my exhausted brain is still working well enough, I will ramble a bit about some alcohol/recovery related stuff.
I started to type that things are going well, but I don't know if that is really accurate. Things still feel very shaky. I am doing well in many ways, but I feel like mentally it would take very little to change that. Like if anything stressful happens or even if I get too tired, I still have the crazy thinking that could lead to something stupid. It's just pretty quiet right now because of the energy that it takes for me to function on a daily basis. I have in my head this vague understanding of the routine that I maintain to keep me sane and functioning. Like I don't think normal people function this way. I have for months now been sleeping to 9:30-9:40 every morning. Anything later than that seems like it's too late and that isn't socially acceptable.. or basically I feel like if i sleep any later then my parents will either think I am lazy or suspect that I am drinking. I can wake up earlier but really not for more than a couple days before I start to feel more tired and more irritated and also just anxious over the thought that I am sleeping less. I go to bed every night between 11 and 11:30. Anything before 11 is not acceptable and may seem suspicious. I slept all the time when I drank and I had periods of depression where I went to bed earlier just as an excuse to escape from my family. I then watch an episode of Greys Anatomy in bed after taking my meds, feeding the cats, and brushing my teeth etc. I browse certain websites/forums and check instagram. This hour or so of time in bed is MY time because I get to be alone and do the things I actually want to do. I have nights where my body is sore and exhausted and I pretty much fall into bed. This still means I sleep 9 hours a night most of the times, and I have been thinking for the past couple weeks that I shouldn't be exhausted if I go a night or two on less sleep. A few days I have had to get up at 5am to go to work at 6, and it leaves me so tired I could cry by the early evening. I finally came to the conclusion that I am a person with severe depression, and I simply need more sleep than some people. I also can't really make up for lost sleep on other days because sleeping late is not acceptable and also because I like to have a certain amount of time to get ready in the morning. Getting ready isn't just showering and eating breakfast.. I have to go on my computer and check certain sites and I have to watch TV and just it all has to happen in a certain way to avoid stress.
But yeah.. work is screwing with this because the manager I think is either not aware that I discussed being part time with the supervisor that interviewed me.. or just doesn't care. I have been working 35 hours a week when he does the schedule including working at 6am Friday, then noon-9PM yesterday, and 6am again today.. and last night was fucking crazy. It's this whole passive aggressive mess between the back of house supervisor and this girl that was hired a couple weeks after me. Basically.. no one really has been telling her what she needs to be doing differently/better. They just keep complaining about it to me and each other when she's not there. I can clearly see that the primary issue is that this new girl gets overwhelmed really easily and then panics and can't get stuff done. She was never really told she had to be independent (like I was) so she always comes to ask what to do.. but sometimes they just avoid her and are surprised that she doesn't do the right things. I have been uncomfortable from the beginning that they left me to help train her when I was new and now I am not comfortable being the one correcting her and telling her what she needs to do differently. Like I try to calm her down when she's panicked (because maybe she can't find a dog's food on the dinner cart) and comes to me and says she can't find it. I would just go to the kitchen and look but she has to be told that and then explain to me why she's confused about it. Sometimes I will flat out correct her if it's something with serious consequences.. and sometimes I just can't because I am exhausted and SUPER ANXIOUS in my own head and will snap. Like I told her 3 times last night where 2 dogs rooms were. I mean I see the problem because I am/was just as anxious and would get lost taking dogs back and worry about things that weren't right.. but I keep it to my damn self and only ask questions when I can't figure it out. But yeah.. so last night the supervisor and I did a LOT of work while she did relatively little.. and the supervisor was really pissed off and I was just exhausted and thinking that I had to be up at 5 today. Being exhausted leads to a lot of impulsive thoughts.. like swallowing bottles of pills.. and I'm too tired at time to fight them rationally, so I just have to stay busy until I can sleep.
One thing about this job is that it has helped the ED situation. Honestly, I am just too tired to purge anymore. I am probably eating less because of working and not being so bored. I have gone from walking 3-4,000 steps a day to 10-20,000 on days I work.. so I am ok with it. The depression is not awful. It's there, and the anxiety is there. I am dealing with looking for a bankruptcy attorney again (at my parents pressure) because legal aid wouldn't help me. I also have the financial issue and lawsuit over the one credit card bill. I am trying just not to give a fuck because 1. I have no defense.. I owe the money 2. I have no property they can take and 3. I have almost no money.. and the only thing that could fix it is the bankruptcy. I am just choosing not to think about it.. I am wondering at what point I should figure out what to do with my money. I don't know if I should be giving it to my parents, paying smaller bills, saving it, or what. I have only spent a little.. basically bought another pair or work shoes and pants, my mom's birthday present, and that's pretty much it.
On the topic of alcoholism.. I have no fucking clue. I have been sober since August. I haven't contacted my AA sponsor in weeks. I am really struggling with the whole idea of AA. There is a line in the book that says "To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face" that sums it up. I am fine with believing alcoholism is a mental and physical illness, but I am not buying into the only solution being spiritual at this point. I feel like people (mainly my sponsor and my IOP therapist) say it's fine for my higher power not to be god, but then after a while start wanting me to talk about god. This is partially my own fault for clarifying that I do/did believe in a creator, so they think it's ok to talk about. My therapist wanted me to write assignments as if I believed. My sponsor wanted me to actually talk to god. I said repeatedly that I don't believe in a god that I can have a relationship with, and that God and I are not on speaking terms. She would say that's fine, and then tell me to ask God everyday to remove my desire to drink and to keep saying my 3rd step prayer everyday. If I say I am not speaking to God, I am not speaking to god. That includes just saying words out loud as if I was talking to him... words mean something. Saying that stuff out loud is like saying I am read to actually try to have that relationship again.. and I have tried. This whole God thing has been complicated since I was a child, so this isn't something that just happened during my drinking. So now I go to AA meetings and sit there feeling distant and not a part of. **absolutely no offense meant to anyone this is just my feelings** It feels a little like a cult. It feels impossible that these people all found a higher power and have these great relationships with him or her or whatever. It also feels like if I am not able to accept that solution, I am screwed. So I don't know what to do. I am not drinking, but I am fantasizing about that next opportunity. If there isn't a solution for me, then part of me wonders why I should bother. I can either risk having an occasional drinking binge with periods of abstinence in between, or I can risk the drinking binges leading to death because I am honestly not so well as to not see that as an appealing option. I accept feedback on this by the way, but NOT if it's to tell me to pray or build a relationship with God. It might happen, but it's not going to be now. Now I am just working on survival and spiritual life is not my concern.
Honestly right now I am just trying to hold out those last 10 minutes until I can go to bed.
