These past couple weeks I feel like I'm sinking. It's not an obvious downward spiral like some in the past. This is a lot more subtle and has left me questioning myself as to whether or not it's normal or a valid cause for concern.
I don't really know when it started. I just know that I am much more anxious and bothered by a lot of things that I was handling ok. I am back to being exhausted when I come home from work at 7pm.. like I am yawning on the drive home. Except, work has been unusually slow this week. I went home early on a couple nights and spent time sitting around on others. Most days weren't physically tiring (although yesterday I got smacked in the face by a Goldendoodle and later an Irish wolfhound who were jumping on me). Mentally and emotionally, work has been difficult. I am back to worrying in my head all day about everything.. have I been sitting down too long? do I seem lazy? what time should we do this? is it too early or too late? can I ask someone to do this or tell them something or will that be rude? was I too rude to the dog that's being a total jerk and jumping on me? The other night (please don't judge me for this story) I was just generally having a hard time with the dogs. Dogs that are normally well behaved were being difficult. Like there's these 2 Irish wolfhounds (very large dogs) boarding with us who I adore. Normally (I have done this on multiple occasions) I can put a leash on one and the other will follow me the short distance from the yard to their room. That night one decided to wander off. Well, I put her sister in the room and the other dog I had leashed (I only had 2 leashes). I am calling the other and this special needs girl who works for us was just standing and watching. This was not the first time that day that she had just stood around watching me do things rather than doing her work. She's also not supposed to touch the dogs or go in rooms, but she kept trying to pet them while I had them on leashes which makes them act up. So I said as calmly as I could "Are you picking up bowls?" she nodded (not actually doing anything) "Can you do that and stop watching the dogs?". I felt horrible because I know I said it kind of harshly, but if there was a dog loose in the bag (even one completely harmless like this one) it was not a good idea for her to just stand there. I won't even go into the time I was trying to wrestle a dog (not harmless.. an obnoxious and out of control labrador) into his room and she just stood there and watched. I had to tell her to leave because I didn't want her getting hurt if he got away.
But anyway.. I am just a constant ball of worry at work now. I just anxiously wait for everything to be done and then you would think I would be relieved. No.. then I go home and worry about other things. Recently, it's been christmas shopping. I became obsessed with having a "good" Christmas list to give my parents and brother.. it had to be things that I wanted/needed but weren't too expensive or too weird or would take up too much space in the house. Then I had to pick the perfect gifts for them and spend the right amount of money. I don't like to buy off lists because I want them to think I know them well enough to pick the presents, but then I feel guilty for not buying what they ask for. Then I had everything picked out but didn't want to order them too early because I might later find a better option or they might think I was weird for buying things too soon.. and since I have Prime shipping on amazon this could have carried on until 2 days before Christmas. I finally ordered everything yesterday on my break at work because I needed to stop thinking about it. It was occupying my evenings and then keeping me up at night. I know this anxiety is largely because I wasn't around last Christmas. I went into hospital on Christmas Eve and then into rehab until mid January. I didn't buy anyone presents, but they bought me things that I opened whenever I got home. I wasn't there for any other holiday plans, and i was honestly grateful at the time because the drinking was horrible and so was the suicidal thoughts. Plus, last year I had zero money and was just building credit card debt to buy alcohol. I couldn't afford gifts. This year I am here and have some money, and I feel like I have to make up for last year.
I am just finding everything too much. I am exhausted and anxious and keeping it all inside. Last night my mom mentioned we were going to a restaurant today that is not what I was originally told. I was exhausted from work and trying to read stuff on my phone and I guess I made a face. She asked if I didn't want to go because I made a face. I can't explain that I was already very anxious because I came home from work to see they brought all the Christmas decorations out of storage and so that plus the fact that we would need to go to the grocery store meant that I was already anxious about the almost certain fact that they would be arguing today. That meant my day off would include awkwardly listening to them fight and trying to keep the peace.. plus possibly decorating.. plus grocery shopping which is stressful with them.. and now I was facing going to a new restaurant I had never been to. That meant I needed to look up the menu because I always choose what I am going to get in advance (it's not an ED thing.. just anxiety) and figure out what I would need to wear to a new place. This all just means that my day off isn't a day off. It's an exhausting series of anxiety provoking activities. In my current mental state, my ideal day off would involve watching Netflix in bed and sleeping. Honestly, work days are less anxiety provoking than my days off right now.. and I couldn't think of any polite way to explain all this, so I just said I wasn't upset.
So yes.. things are just hard right now, and I would seriously love a few drinks or at least a day where I don't have to deal with people. I have no idea what to do about any of this. I don't want more medication (at least not unless they could give me benzos). My case worker/counselor is proving to be useless. I did explain a lot of this to her, but she didn't really offer advice or a solution. I have stopped IOP.. partly because I don't want to have to keep lying about my last relapse and my sobriety date and partly because it wasn't helping to sit around and watch the same stupid videos I have seen at least twice. I have started going to another support group, but I am unsure what to think of it. It's more for mental health.. the first week we talked about breathing exercises and emotions but there were 4 of us there and only 2 of us talked. Last week it was about gratitude and we watched a video and then he let us go very early. I ended up sitting outside for like 20 minutes because I didn't want to text my mom to come get me that early and have her criticize or question the group (and in my mind me for choosing this over IOP). I am hoping to have health insurance soon, but I don't know what it will cover in terms of mental health.. so I don't know if anything will improve. I just want the holidays to be over with because it's only going to get worse.
