So I am really struggling these days with drinking. I went from occasional binge drinking to drinking pretty much daily, and I am starting to feel the toll it takes on my body. I'm exhausted.. my stomach is upset.. and I have this constant feeling like I am being strangled that I know is a sign of anxiety and sometimes a withdrawal symptom. I don't know how to describe that feeling, but my throat gets really tight. The past couple days I have been nauseous and thrown up repeatedly (when sober) because my stomach doesn't appreciate the alcohol. Then I get nauseous because I am really hungry... it's a fun cycle. I am forcing myself to eat because it won't help to be malnourished on top of this.
So anyway, I have been honest in therapy about everything going on. I don't know if it's actually good or if my sick mind just appreciates it, but my current therapist is very understanding about the drinking being a coping mechanism as well as an addiction. She understands my perspective that it's a lesser evil than the suicidal thoughts and the self harm. She knows that I am struggling to cope with my impending move and not knowing what to do with my life, so we are mostly trying to prevent things getting out of hand. My parents are going to a concert and staying at a hotel after tomorrow night, and I am planning some self care. For me that is not always the stereotypical stuff like facials and spa days. It is allowing myself to drop the act. I keep up a self imposed set of rules to appear to be normal. I don't go to bed before 11 or wake up past 10. I eat meals with my parents and run errands and go to work. I shower at least 5-6 days out of the week and either wash my hair or recently switched to a cleansing conditioner because it does less damage.
Tomorrow the plan is to relax. I ordered food from Whole Foods because my parents hate going there, but as a vegetarian I appreciate that they carry so many brands and products I can't get anywhere else. Field Roast came out with some new products (fake corndogs and fake buffalo wings) that I have been dying to try but only are sold at Whole Foods and I guess some Walmarts (not the ones I have been to). I also bought Halo Top because sometimes ice cream is necessary. My therapist asked today to make sure I am eating, and I am. I just have trouble making myself eat unappealing food, so I am eating what sounds good. Yesterday I drank a non-diet soda because I knew I needed to raise my blood sugar at work but couldn't manage solid food. This is overcoming a major ED rule.. and honestly predates the ED because as a child I was only allowed diet soda too. I just know that low blood sugar only makes things worse. I am going to enjoy trying some new vegan products because I am constantly seeing new veg recipes and products that sound awesome to me but not my omnivore parents. I subscribe to a vegan magazine and that's how I saw ads for these products. I am ordering them because FUCK it I have the money saved up to make a frivolous purchase. I am also going to dye my hair. I have red dye I ordered because my current color faded, and I have the purple semi-permanent color I bought the last time I dyed it but didn't have the energy to try. I am planning either streaks or something similar to the balayage technique people do with highlights (basically painting it on). Hair is one of the few things I feel confident about. I also don't like doing it when my parents are home. In all honesty, I prefer to be able to walk around topless when I dye my hair because I don't want dye on my clothes. I don't get that freedom much.
Besides that.. I plan to drink and go to sleep before 11.. I might sleep on the couch with Netflix on. I am just freaking exhausted. I want to drop the act and sleep. Then the plan is to taper myself off the alcohol before it gets so bad that I have full on withdrawals. I discussed options with my therapist.. limiting what I buy, not taking my wallet to work (I can walk to a liquor store on my lunch break), and buying a worse tasting vodka. The idea is to wean myself off in a way that doesn't cause the horrible insomnia that comes with withdrawal that always leads back to drinking. I finally feel like the consequences are bad enough to motivate me to stop for now. I am not committed to never drinking again. That doesn't feel realistic. I just want to stop doing it everyday. I want to not be physically dependent on it. I also want to look into support groups besides AA. I would not say I am an atheist these days, but God and I are not on speaking terms. My current AA group is really big on God.. the ones that started off agnostic or atheist talk about how they go to church now. My last sponsor told me to pray whether I believed it or not. I do not believe God is the only solution to my problems. I also think that a lot of people I hear had a problem with alcohol or drugs but not preexisting mental health problems. For me not drinking is only a small part of a much larger issue. I cannot be alone in my own head. That leads to all kinds of bad thoughts and urges that don't go away when I'm sober. Alcohol has honestly saved my life so many times because those thoughts go away when I drink. I was very unhappy at points in sobriety, so I do not think working the steps for drinking will fix things. I need to find a way to fix my brain, and AA doesn't do that. I am going to research other programs like Smart Recovery that I have heard is non-religious or maybe groups through NAMI for mental health.. currently I know a man in AA who seriously annoys and offends me that goes to the NAMI groups, so I have to find ones that are somewhere else if I do that because I cannot stand him. He tells these really offensive jokes to people before meetings and he cross-talks and just really bothers me. I just know that I need therapy and mental help to overcome my underlying issues to make the alcohol less necessary. Right now the first step is going to be rest. I am going to try to enjoy myself alone in the house tomorrow and drop the act. I am going to buy products that are vegan because I do actually have strong feelings about eating meat and animal products. I don't have a lot of morals, but I value this. I do not feel I can be an animal lover and eat animals.. I want to give up dairy and eggs but I don't know how to do that living with my parents. They buy most groceries now, so I am staying vegetarian for now. I am trying when I buy things with my own money to support brands that fit my values.. more vegan, more cruelty free. I am going to look into non-spiritual solutions to my NOT spiritual problem. I am going to do my best to cope, and I am ok with that meaning drinking right now. I will try to taper off, but I am happy with anything that keeps me alive. I have to hold out that there is hope.. and honestly my main hope is to be a crazy, vegan cat lady. I want to adopt a bunch of cats and live on my own and go vegan. I want to adopt old cats that can't find homes. I want to acknowledge that I don't think I care about having a human partner. My dad sometimes jokes about how the term asexual is not really a sexuality/identity and just a life choice. I love that people are trying to make not having sex and not having relationships a lifestyle and not a mental illness. I am not saying I am asexual.. I don't really know, but I only have dated and had sex because society views it as normal. I put myself in some awkward situations because I felt I should be interested in men. Now I don't think having a husband or children is likely for me, but I want to give animals a home. I want to take homeless animals and give them however many happy years they have left. I don't know if I would foster them or just adopt them and be the stereotypical crazy cat lady.. I'm cool with that. I can hope for that. I don't hope for a normal family. I just want independence and a happy existence.
So this has been a lot of rambling, but I am so caught up in my head these days with no one to talk to. I have so many goals and dreams that are out of my reach right now because of finances. I have to hold onto every little thing I can do that fits these dreams.. be it dyeing my hair or buying vegan corndogs... I do not make enough to live alone right now, so I have to do whatever I can to be happy. My whole point with this was that self care isn't always a spa day.. it's doing what doesn't exhaust your soul. It's doing things that make you cling to life and hope and not think about death. Existence is different when you have a mental illness, and that's ok.. my goals are very different than a lot of people.. but I can celebrate my accomplishments. I am still so far from my worst, but I am still far from my best. I cling to the idea that I can do good in this world because for so long I have had no goals. I will live to be a crazy cat lady (or maybe dog lady) and imagine sleeping in a bed with a whole bunch of animals that love me and whose lives I have saved. Fuck humans.. I honestly feel more at home with animals.
So yeah.. sorry I don't update often if anyone still reads this. I am just trying to survive. Forgive my ramblings, but I don't have much outlet for this anymore..
