Struggling to make sense of it all

I am just frustrated because I can tell I am not in a very good place mentally, but I don't know what to do about it. I spend way too much time thinking, and that isn't a good idea. There's a part in the big book where it's talking about step 10 and it says "but we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse, or morbid reflection." That term morbid reflection is used other places as well, and it just seems so accurate to describe the kind of thinking my mind gets into when there's no distraction.. or actually as its own distraction from something that is even worse.

So my parents joined a gym last week, and they ran into a friend of mine (a woman I have known since 4th grade) there. I got a text from my friend asking how I was doing and if I was available for lunch sometime. I had this sinking feeling reading it because I didn't know what to tell her. I hadn't seen her in quite a while.. I can't really remember when I last saw her. I finally settled on telling her I was living at home and didn't have a car, so I wasn't sure about lunch. She offered to pick me up. That was fine, but she asked what I had been up to. I settled on a very abbreviated version of the truth and said that I was looking for work and trying to get back on my feet. I said I had been sober since February because she does know about my alcoholism. I had mentioned it to her at least once to be sure I wasn't pressured to drink at parties. Anyway, we had lunch yesterday. It was nice to see her and go out with someone other than my parents. I just really tried to steer the conversation back to what was going on with her and her kids and family and job because really I don't have a lot to talk about.

What I was trying to avoid (and this is how we get back to the morbid reflection) is talking about what I have actually been doing this past year. I mean basically I have spent as much time in treatment as out of it. I struggle to even remember when I was in the hospital and under what circumstance I was sent there. I somehow got onto thinking about that over the weekend, and I just started getting really frustrated and pathetic that I kept going into hospitals over and over to detox. That's been going on since the first year of my alcoholism. I would basically drink myself to the point of being unable to function or not take my meds and let the depression reach that point. Then I would check myself into a hospital for a week, come home, and soon start the whole process over again. I can vaguely remember listening to someone joke about suicide attempts once and basically say that if you're truly suicidal, why would you not succeed? So I don't know how to interpret my own behavior. Did I check myself into the hospital because I wasn't trying to die and just wanted the attention and the escape? Or did I do that in an honest attempt to get well and then relapse because the same thoughts and feelings were still there and led to the same downward spiral? There are people in AA who went to treatment once (or never) and then stayed sober or at least never went back to treatment. In a year, I was in rehab 3 times.. and really the result of all 3 was serious suicidal ideation and multiple attempts (only one officially acknowledged). I don't know whether to be grateful I went to treatment because my physical health was pretty bad at some points and I might not still be alive, or should I be angry that I went because I failed at my goal of drinking myself to death?

So this is the kind of thing that occupies my mind a lot. I find myself reading back through this blog (a practice I try to avoid) in an attempt to make sense of when things happened because my memory really isn't great.. I have to have the blog or hospital bills or something to remind me when I was in which hospital. I really don't know if the memory loss is entirely alcohol related or if ECT plays a role. I mean I still have conversations with people and then later couldn't tell you what was said.. especially if I am tired. I feel like my brain isn't fully functional, and that's part of why I went along with applying for disability. Add to that how exhausted my medication makes me.. I am considering stopping my morning Seroquel to help with  the energy level problem, but should I really be making decisions about my  meds without consulting my doctor? Probably not.

I know that I am struggling. Objectively, I know. I am purging almost daily. I am cutting several times a week. I am choosing not to take all of my Wellbutrin. I am stashing the extra pills. I feel like at any moment I will give in to the desire to drink. I am having thoughts about other bad behaviors, but I haven't acted on them. Still, I convince myself that I am well because nobody else seems concerned about me. I mean.. I haven't told the entire truth, but it is so hard when they don't ask the right questions. I also just don't think they can do anything. There's not much they can offer me besides a bunch of meds and a small amount of therapy. All I really want is to have some time to myself to not have to pretend it's all ok. I am constantly on edge around my parents because I feel like they expect something from me but I don't know  what it is, and I never know when they will start arguing and about what. I mean I finally heard back from a legal aid attorney, and he sent me a questionnaire to fill out about bankruptcy. He said I needed to include my parents income and expenses since I live with them. My parents were annoyed about this and then kept arguing over what my dad listed for the expenses. I just sat there feeling guilty even though they wanted me to do this, and I am only doing what the lawyer asked. I didn't get involved with the argument about what to put down because it's none of my business. So I really just wish I could have some space to relax and rest and not be acting. I am so tired. I don't know how to tell anyone how I am doing because I think I should be doing better. The guilt about the past just makes me feel like I don't have the right to be struggling now.. but this is also the longest I have been out of the hospital for a while.

But that's enough rambling.. I need to get out of my head

Empty feeling

I did not realize how long it has been since I wrote. Days seem to be passing by quickly but mostly because they're all the same. I mean my routine is pretty much the same. My family is the same. My thoughts are the same. I'm doing well on the outside, but there's probably a lot to be concerned about. Actually, I guess some things have happened, but I will get to that.

I am struggling with emotions.. I vacillate between sadness, anxiety, numbness, and exhaustion. There are brief moments of happiness mixed in, but I think most happiness is just a lack of the other negative emotions. I am still not compliant with my meds. I am only taking my Wellbutrin in the morning and stashing or throwing out the evening dose. This is because when I was taking it I really felt blank and empty.. not unhappy but not really anything. This brings back the safety of depression. Except I am also now exhausted all the time. I did stop the random self medicating for sleep.. I had been occasionally taking extra Seroquel or Doxepin (I think that's it?) or Buspar to sleep at night. That meant not taking the seroquel or buspar in the morning and stashing the pills. It really was quite a mess. Now I am only occasionally taking melatonin, which I managed to find time to go to the pharmacy for because I was dropped off early for an appointment. I probably could have asked my parents to buy it, but I had to go to the pharmacy to buy more laxatives anyway. I did tell my psychiatrist about not taking the Wellbutrin. He basically told me to start taking it. He also mentioned it would help decrease my appetite. That's because I did say I was stress eating (I have told him I am bulimic before), and his solution was to tell me to just eat salad and vegetables. This guy is pretty useless.

Last week my mom was in the hospital for a few days. It started Sunday night/Monday morning (because it was around midnight) when she told me she was having numbness on one side of her body and her face. My dad was taking her to the ER. I was laying in bed when she told me. I got up and stared at my closet because I wanted a drink. I was afraid they'd come back and find out and that would be awful. I ended up making myself toast and eating that and going back to bed. She was in the hospital for 2 days before getting an MRI because she has a nerve stimulator implant thing in her back for the pain she has, and they took forever to verify and decide it was safe to do the MRI. The result is she had a minor stroke. During all this, I was home alone a lot.. I didn't drink. I did a lot of pacing and walking on the treadmill and some b/p to keep myself sane. I saw her in the hospital a couple times. She's home now, and it's like they are barely talking about it. I want to have a clear conversation about what the doctor said and what she needs to do or needs to avoid and how to help. I mean she snapped at me because I offered to get something out of the freezer when I got back from a meeting. She said that she didn't forget and wasn't stupid.. or something. I just saw it wasn't out, and it was something I could do without getting in the way. So I don't know what to do except wait for her to ask for my help if she needs it.

My desire to drink has been increasing over the past couple weeks. It didn't go down when she got home. I am trying to decide in my head when I can buy more vodka because I don't want to drink what I have and be unable to get more. The bottle I have is the emergency plan.. kind of like I can't take the seroquel hidden in my room without replenishing it. I was on here tonight reading posts from last summer and fall.. the ones before rehab and the ones around my suicide attempts. I am still suicidal but mostly just thoughts. I haven't been intending to do anything. I almost feel like I need to reduce some other medication to increase the depression until I need to do  something. Now I am only a little depressed and very tired.. and my life feels empty and pointless. It's just going through the motions, and it's frustrating.

I guess that's all I have to say tonight. I am exhausted and struggling to make sense. It's really pathetic that I am exhausted enough to go to bed at 11 and I can't even stay awake to watch a full episode of something on Netflix in bed. I will write more soon

Exhausted

I am really struggling the past week with exhaustion. I am just so tired physically and mentally. I try very hard to maintain an illusion of normalcy, which includes not napping and not sleeping late or going to bed before 11. When I was drinking, I spent most of my time in bed, so I don't want my parents to think that I am drinking.. or to find out I am not taking my Wellbutrin, which is probably why I am tired.

I also just want to say my parents are driving me crazy. They are arguing so much. I am not sure who is at fault because they both seem to get angry over little things. I refuse to get involved because it's not my fight and I hate conflict. Still, I am walking on eggshells trying not to cause anything. My mom complains to me about my dad, and I just listen and nod because I hate taking sides. I am honestly worried sometimes they will separate, and I will have to pick where to stay or end up with nowhere. I also worry it is somehow my fault.

In better news, I finally have an appointment to talk to someone about the disability appeal. I am hoping they can help. My case worker also asked if I was ready to work on the insane thoughts. I still don't know what to tell her and where to start because it's all so normal to me but I know it's not normal. It's the first she's mentioned working on anything serious and not just mindfulness and meditation. Those are valid but not really enough to do on my own and make it better. I am worried that I will reach a point where I will do some of the stuff I think about. So now I just have to figure out what to tell her and hope that it helps.

I really want to drink. I am too afraid to drink the vodka without knowing I can get more, so I am trying to think how to get a second bottle. I am back to where I can't imagine life with or without alcohol. I am avoiding texting my sponsor. I just don't know how willing I am to change. Right now I am just tired.