Empty feeling

I did not realize how long it has been since I wrote. Days seem to be passing by quickly but mostly because they're all the same. I mean my routine is pretty much the same. My family is the same. My thoughts are the same. I'm doing well on the outside, but there's probably a lot to be concerned about. Actually, I guess some things have happened, but I will get to that.

I am struggling with emotions.. I vacillate between sadness, anxiety, numbness, and exhaustion. There are brief moments of happiness mixed in, but I think most happiness is just a lack of the other negative emotions. I am still not compliant with my meds. I am only taking my Wellbutrin in the morning and stashing or throwing out the evening dose. This is because when I was taking it I really felt blank and empty.. not unhappy but not really anything. This brings back the safety of depression. Except I am also now exhausted all the time. I did stop the random self medicating for sleep.. I had been occasionally taking extra Seroquel or Doxepin (I think that's it?) or Buspar to sleep at night. That meant not taking the seroquel or buspar in the morning and stashing the pills. It really was quite a mess. Now I am only occasionally taking melatonin, which I managed to find time to go to the pharmacy for because I was dropped off early for an appointment. I probably could have asked my parents to buy it, but I had to go to the pharmacy to buy more laxatives anyway. I did tell my psychiatrist about not taking the Wellbutrin. He basically told me to start taking it. He also mentioned it would help decrease my appetite. That's because I did say I was stress eating (I have told him I am bulimic before), and his solution was to tell me to just eat salad and vegetables. This guy is pretty useless.

Last week my mom was in the hospital for a few days. It started Sunday night/Monday morning (because it was around midnight) when she told me she was having numbness on one side of her body and her face. My dad was taking her to the ER. I was laying in bed when she told me. I got up and stared at my closet because I wanted a drink. I was afraid they'd come back and find out and that would be awful. I ended up making myself toast and eating that and going back to bed. She was in the hospital for 2 days before getting an MRI because she has a nerve stimulator implant thing in her back for the pain she has, and they took forever to verify and decide it was safe to do the MRI. The result is she had a minor stroke. During all this, I was home alone a lot.. I didn't drink. I did a lot of pacing and walking on the treadmill and some b/p to keep myself sane. I saw her in the hospital a couple times. She's home now, and it's like they are barely talking about it. I want to have a clear conversation about what the doctor said and what she needs to do or needs to avoid and how to help. I mean she snapped at me because I offered to get something out of the freezer when I got back from a meeting. She said that she didn't forget and wasn't stupid.. or something. I just saw it wasn't out, and it was something I could do without getting in the way. So I don't know what to do except wait for her to ask for my help if she needs it.

My desire to drink has been increasing over the past couple weeks. It didn't go down when she got home. I am trying to decide in my head when I can buy more vodka because I don't want to drink what I have and be unable to get more. The bottle I have is the emergency plan.. kind of like I can't take the seroquel hidden in my room without replenishing it. I was on here tonight reading posts from last summer and fall.. the ones before rehab and the ones around my suicide attempts. I am still suicidal but mostly just thoughts. I haven't been intending to do anything. I almost feel like I need to reduce some other medication to increase the depression until I need to do  something. Now I am only a little depressed and very tired.. and my life feels empty and pointless. It's just going through the motions, and it's frustrating.

I guess that's all I have to say tonight. I am exhausted and struggling to make sense. It's really pathetic that I am exhausted enough to go to bed at 11 and I can't even stay awake to watch a full episode of something on Netflix in bed. I will write more soon