The mess that is my life

Sorry I haven't been posting. I actually keep writing posts and deleting them because they don't seem important enough.. or they're just a rambling mess. I think I struggle to post positive things, and I also think my life is very monotonous. For a couple months not much has changed, and the things I am dealing with I am actively avoiding thinking about. I think I will try to organize this by topics.. that might work better.

Eating disorder.. I am actually doing quite well. I don't think I consciously chose recovery. I still don't think I have it in my head that I am recovering or want recovery because I view the eating disorder as a life long problem. I just reached a point when I started working that I didn't have the energy to keep doing it. I would eat a meal and just be too tired to purge. I am busy, so I am not constantly eating. So I haven't binged or purged in at least a month now. It is nice to use that energy for other things. I am actually losing weight from all the walking at work and from eating less (and medication changes), and that's nice. I honestly think my meds lead to a lot of weight gain and so did the stress eating. I don't eat all that unhealthy otherwise.

Alcohol.. I had another relapse this past week when my parents went out of town. I don't feel all that guilty. Part of me wonders if my life is just going to be periods of sobriety with occasional binge drinking because I still don't really want to not drink. As soon as I am left alone, I cannot tolerate it. I don't know what to do with myself. I was amazed I managed to kill a couple hours after they left before going to a meeting and then the liquor store (my excuse if anyone asked why I left the house was that I walked to an AA meeting..). I guess after a couple days though I can see I wouldn't be able to sustain it. I drank 2 bottles of vodka in 3 days, and I was exhausted and nauseous the last day when I had to get up for work. But I am thinking of how to get away with doing it again? I am going to AA, but I am so not at a place where I want anything to do with God. I am not willing to believe that the only solution has to be a spiritual one, and I am scared to discuss that with anyone because my last sponsor said she was OK with this but then still told me to pray. Some days it all feels like a cult, and I am going to keep up appearances and because I need the connection.. but I am not really working any sort of program.

Depression and mental health.. Well, I am seeing a new psychiatrist and a new case worker. The psychiatrist is.. better? Not perfect.. but the first time I met with her I convinced her to lower my seroquel because I was almost too drowsy to function. She did that readily. She asked a bunch of questions.. I think trying to figure out how I ended up on the meds I am on.. asking about mania or anger or anything that would lead to me being on 600mg of Seroquel. I think she saw my point that it was unnecessary, but she might still think I am bipolar or something. The case worker.. I like. I have seen her twice, and she seems very goal oriented. She asks a lot about what goals I want.. and I have explained a lot about how I do set small goals once or twice a week. I have some big problems that if I think about them as a whole, are overwhelming and can lead to impulsive behaviors. I do things a step at a time, and she likes that method. We talked about trying to be more social and independent a future goals, and right now that mostly means not avoiding my coworkers so much. She also is OK with me stopping the aftercare IOP group because I am not getting anything out of it anymore, and I am going to look into another support group they offer that covers all mental health and not just addictions.

Work.. going very well. My supervisor finally asked after a month at least of me being schedule 35 hours a week (considered full time over 30) if I want to be full time or part time. I said full time is good now that I know I can handle it (didn't mention that I also was originally doing part time because I was applying for disability). I have gotten praise from multiple people there on how I am doing, which makes me super uncomfortable but also happy. I like the people.. although I have skipped the last 2 times they planned things outside of work. In my defense, they told me the day of the first thing and the day before the 2nd. I need more notice than that since I don't have a car and also must mentally prepare. I am talking to people more at work instead of just pacing around the back.

Other shit.. I have a consultation Monday with a bankruptcy attorney. That's the issue I have been avoiding and approaching slowly. I am not thinking about what happens after the consultation either if I go through with this or have to find another solution to the debt problems. I continue to reassure myself that the creditors can't take things I don't have. Even if they take my money, I am not actually spending it. It's all just sitting there until I figure out what to do. I definitely need professional advice because I am clueless about these things. I just had to find an attorney that offered payment plans or something because the first lady just said it would be $2500 and to do the debt counselling and call her back. I am not going to go with her. I am not thinking further into the future about things like moving out or anything because I need to deal with the wreckage of the past first.

I was very happy that with this new job, I could buy my brother and my mom birthday presents. I've bought a few clothes for myself and finally splurged on a set to do gel nail polish that was only like $17. Also when my parents were gone, I've taken Lyft to and from work, so I am not 100% relying on them for transportation. I also opened a checking account (that I had to check the balance of today because I haven't used it since I opened it but had my direct deposit go through twice). It's amazing even having that much freedom. I ordered Indian food while my parents were gone from a vegetarian Indian restaurant, and that was pretty cool.

So I am exhausted.. I am still often tired and overwhelmed and counting the hours until bed. Things aren't perfect, and I am afraid it will all come crashing down. I'm still here though.