Do you ever really wonder if you were meant to be? Like were you a mistake? As a scientist, I know a huge percentage of fertilized embryos have genetic mutations that make them inviable and they don't ever make it to birth. Are there people who somehow make it to birth that are not suited to life?
I seriously have been contemplating some deep issues lately.. good and bad. The bad being that I'm pretty suicidal. Still at the thought stage and just hypothetical, but I am really questioning my desire to keep going. I am also contemplating a lot about why people are so bothered by human deaths unrelated to them.. like murder or the death of strangers. I understand why people close to us would be sad, but in general why is the death of one in billions so important? I won't get into the whole line of thought there because it gets awfully dark and cynical. I think I am just questioning my own existence and my need to stay alive for others. I mean I cannot exist without chemicals to alter my thinking, so why waste time and resources on me?
But I am wondering if there's a possibility of finding something I am good at. Because my dog was really shy when we got her, my thing at work is finding those shy/scared dogs and getting them to like me. Lately, I am identifying way more with animals than people. I think (I am getting very out there with this thinking) animals/pets are so similar to people in the mental healthcare system.. they are fully functional beings thrown into a world that doesn't understand them. They speak a different language, so they're confused and scared. People get upset if they're hostile and trying to protect themselves. They expect them to act normal and loving and fit a certain idea of behavior. I see them as trying to adapt to a probably very difficult life. We get animals that spent lots of their lives in shelters and with little contact with others, so they don't get all social situations. We have one who was never left alone (always with her mom or other family member) so is totally anxious and neurotic if left alone for even a few minutes.. But they're loving, feeling creatures. People just don't try to help because they only worry about themselves. This all kind of touches on my current ethical crisis about wanting to go vegan and speciesism. I wonder if what will make happy is working with animals that are hurting. There are dog trainers and behaviorists that help rescued dogs become happy dogs. I just know I don't really want to be a therapist for people, which is what everyone with mental health issues seems to decide to be. I find happiness and relief for myself when I can stop and press my forehead to the head of a dog or a cat or sit in their room and they sit with me because it is amazing to find ways to communicate across species barriers. I talk to them because I know they can't understand the majority of the words but the sound and tone can be soothing (as someone who doesn't cope well with silence) and it helps me to talk. I would never grab them and hug them when they're scared because that isn't something they find comforting. I hate people who want to hug me when I am in crisis when I want to curl up in a ball and be alone. I don't know.. I see something there. I just don't know how to make that my life. I don't know how to live long enough to have a life at this point. I am just trying to find moments of meaning in a world that seems just fine without me.
Friday, February 15, 2019
Saturday, February 9, 2019
Therapy and stopping the downward spiral
So the big new thing recently is I started therapy again. Previously, I was getting some help through a government funded service.. that's where I had IOP and got meds and had a case worker. Honestly, I saw a case worker for one on one therapy for maybe 30 minutes every couple weeks. My second case worker also cancelled a few of those appointments, so I hadn't seen her in a while. Well, getting insurance means I no longer qualify for those services. I found a psychiatrist pretty quickly because I was so unhappy with how my medications had been handled. I am not entirely happy with the new person because the appointments have been very short and not very in depth, but she did what I wanted with my meds which is reduce and then eliminate the Lithium and put me on the extended release Wellbutrin because I had stopped taking my evening dose because it messed with my sleep and I couldn't remember to take it in the afternoon (and as an attempt to feel more normal honestly). I think as long as I am doing pretty well, this person seems fine. I just am not sure how she will handle if things get complicated and changes need to be made.
I procrastinated on finding a therapist because it is so hard starting over with no recommendations. I could probably have gone back to my last one and just paid for it, but I am not sure that's a good idea because honestly I got to my worst while seeing her and she was pretty tolerant of me being in a really bad place. I just don't think we were making any progress. I picked someone kind of at random that takes my insurance, and I think I like her. I went the first time and pretty much had to explain my whole history and all my issues. I kind of based my opinion of her on her reactions to what I said. Like she understood how I progressed from one thing to another. She agreed when I said that it's all the same addictive thinking but has manifested in different behaviors. She was pretty shocked by some of what was done with my medications in the hospital. I tried to explain how I have been diagnosed bipolar or had borderline mentioned but it was usually based on my behavior in the hospital, and I go pretty crazy when in that environment. Plus, the doctors don't like if you disagree with them (like I explained the doctor putting me on two mood stabilizers at once and me making him try just one at a time). They treat me as argumentative because really I have always been taught I need to advocate for myself with doctors. Anyway, it seemed like she understood.
Since the first session, I have been going downhill. Behavior wise.. not so terrible. A few times drinking rubbing alcohol (yes I know that's bad) at night because the depression just reached that level that I can't tolerate. The kind where it is almost a physical effort not to react and do something impulsive. It of course leads to terrible headaches and feeling sick the next day, so I haven't been doing it all the time. Mostly my thinking is in a really bad place. I just am frustrated that I have a decent amount of money in the bank now (like $4,000), but I can't really do much with it. I don't have enough to get a car yet. I don't want to apply for a loan because of the bankruptcy. Plus, I am honestly concerned how my parents will react if I talk about buying one because that will mean having a lot more freedom to buy alcohol or drink. At this point, I probably would do that if I had the slightest chance. I can't really move out without having transportation, and I am not sure yet if I am making enough money to afford rent on an apartment on top of like doctors, medication, and therapy.. add in food and transportation. It might not be enough. I am not ready to look for another job. I am just getting settled in here, and honestly I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I can do. The last couple years of the drinking combined with ECT really effected my short term memory, and it is way better now.. but I don't know how much of the knowledge from school I have retained.. I still doubt myself a lot. Like I have to check that I texted the right person after I sent it. I have to check when I sent things and that I did. I have to check my work schedule everyday to make sure I am remembering it correctly. So I have no idea what I plan to do. None of it is achievable yet, but I am feeling very stuck and trapped where I am. That leads to thoughts of running away to a hotel because I have money to stay a week or two and drink myself to death. I think about if I tell my parents or leave a note.. do I just commit suicide immediately or drink for a while and just shut off my phone so no one can reach me? Would I actually die or end up in the hospital and with everything in my life ruined? With my luck I probably wouldn't die. They'd find me or I'd have second thoughts and ask for help. It feels very hopeless.
I have explained this whole line of thinking to my therapist at our second appointment. We talked about how I have never really had goals or dreams for a job or anything in the future. I just did what seemed logical. I fully expected to end up working a job that hopefully would be tolerable and allow me to live comfortably. I just hoped I would find fulfillment in something else. Of course, that didn't work. I found jobs and tried school but basically couldn't tolerate myself and escaped through bulimia and drinking. So now I am 32, and I don't know what to do with myself. I know right now if I was independent, I would drink because drinking sounds better than anything else. We explored the origins of my negative thinking.. basically meaning I explained how I come from a family of pessimists. I have a brother that is an underachiever, probably because of a fear of failure and lack of directions. My mom complained daily about her job. She still tells stories about it now that she's retired. My dad just doesn't talk about his.. he goes everyday and comes home and says his day was fine. He can be a workaholic, but he just was never talkative. So I didn't grow up with an excellent view of working life, and combine that with the fact that I have never expected to live very long.. I never had dreams. So I am supposed to be practicing positive thinking. In reality, I am mostly just trying not to do anything stupid to sabotage things. I keep hoping this mood will pass.
I don't know when I will ever reach a point where I don't want to drink. I am only mostly avoiding it out of fear and lack of opportunity. Any freedom, and it starts again. I think about it constantly. I am still going to AA, but I find it almost painful to sit and listen. I just refuse to believe that God is the answer to this. I refuse to believe that a spiritual solution is the only one. I believe this is a mental illness with probably physical, genetic, and biochemical origins.. combined with all the environmental factors that led to my low self esteem and self hate. I just don't know how to fix any of that. Anti-craving meds have never helped me because my cravings are more mental/thought based than physical. I have tried several. Therapy.. I don't know. Rehabs and detox usually push the 12 steps as the solution. They don't really spend much time trying to figure out how we became addicts and what we need to fix in ourselves that we can't tolerate. So I don't know. I just keep hoping my parents will leave town, so I can binge. That would fix this mood. Temporarily.. but still. I don't have another solution at the moment. I am just existing.
I procrastinated on finding a therapist because it is so hard starting over with no recommendations. I could probably have gone back to my last one and just paid for it, but I am not sure that's a good idea because honestly I got to my worst while seeing her and she was pretty tolerant of me being in a really bad place. I just don't think we were making any progress. I picked someone kind of at random that takes my insurance, and I think I like her. I went the first time and pretty much had to explain my whole history and all my issues. I kind of based my opinion of her on her reactions to what I said. Like she understood how I progressed from one thing to another. She agreed when I said that it's all the same addictive thinking but has manifested in different behaviors. She was pretty shocked by some of what was done with my medications in the hospital. I tried to explain how I have been diagnosed bipolar or had borderline mentioned but it was usually based on my behavior in the hospital, and I go pretty crazy when in that environment. Plus, the doctors don't like if you disagree with them (like I explained the doctor putting me on two mood stabilizers at once and me making him try just one at a time). They treat me as argumentative because really I have always been taught I need to advocate for myself with doctors. Anyway, it seemed like she understood.
Since the first session, I have been going downhill. Behavior wise.. not so terrible. A few times drinking rubbing alcohol (yes I know that's bad) at night because the depression just reached that level that I can't tolerate. The kind where it is almost a physical effort not to react and do something impulsive. It of course leads to terrible headaches and feeling sick the next day, so I haven't been doing it all the time. Mostly my thinking is in a really bad place. I just am frustrated that I have a decent amount of money in the bank now (like $4,000), but I can't really do much with it. I don't have enough to get a car yet. I don't want to apply for a loan because of the bankruptcy. Plus, I am honestly concerned how my parents will react if I talk about buying one because that will mean having a lot more freedom to buy alcohol or drink. At this point, I probably would do that if I had the slightest chance. I can't really move out without having transportation, and I am not sure yet if I am making enough money to afford rent on an apartment on top of like doctors, medication, and therapy.. add in food and transportation. It might not be enough. I am not ready to look for another job. I am just getting settled in here, and honestly I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I can do. The last couple years of the drinking combined with ECT really effected my short term memory, and it is way better now.. but I don't know how much of the knowledge from school I have retained.. I still doubt myself a lot. Like I have to check that I texted the right person after I sent it. I have to check when I sent things and that I did. I have to check my work schedule everyday to make sure I am remembering it correctly. So I have no idea what I plan to do. None of it is achievable yet, but I am feeling very stuck and trapped where I am. That leads to thoughts of running away to a hotel because I have money to stay a week or two and drink myself to death. I think about if I tell my parents or leave a note.. do I just commit suicide immediately or drink for a while and just shut off my phone so no one can reach me? Would I actually die or end up in the hospital and with everything in my life ruined? With my luck I probably wouldn't die. They'd find me or I'd have second thoughts and ask for help. It feels very hopeless.
I have explained this whole line of thinking to my therapist at our second appointment. We talked about how I have never really had goals or dreams for a job or anything in the future. I just did what seemed logical. I fully expected to end up working a job that hopefully would be tolerable and allow me to live comfortably. I just hoped I would find fulfillment in something else. Of course, that didn't work. I found jobs and tried school but basically couldn't tolerate myself and escaped through bulimia and drinking. So now I am 32, and I don't know what to do with myself. I know right now if I was independent, I would drink because drinking sounds better than anything else. We explored the origins of my negative thinking.. basically meaning I explained how I come from a family of pessimists. I have a brother that is an underachiever, probably because of a fear of failure and lack of directions. My mom complained daily about her job. She still tells stories about it now that she's retired. My dad just doesn't talk about his.. he goes everyday and comes home and says his day was fine. He can be a workaholic, but he just was never talkative. So I didn't grow up with an excellent view of working life, and combine that with the fact that I have never expected to live very long.. I never had dreams. So I am supposed to be practicing positive thinking. In reality, I am mostly just trying not to do anything stupid to sabotage things. I keep hoping this mood will pass.
I don't know when I will ever reach a point where I don't want to drink. I am only mostly avoiding it out of fear and lack of opportunity. Any freedom, and it starts again. I think about it constantly. I am still going to AA, but I find it almost painful to sit and listen. I just refuse to believe that God is the answer to this. I refuse to believe that a spiritual solution is the only one. I believe this is a mental illness with probably physical, genetic, and biochemical origins.. combined with all the environmental factors that led to my low self esteem and self hate. I just don't know how to fix any of that. Anti-craving meds have never helped me because my cravings are more mental/thought based than physical. I have tried several. Therapy.. I don't know. Rehabs and detox usually push the 12 steps as the solution. They don't really spend much time trying to figure out how we became addicts and what we need to fix in ourselves that we can't tolerate. So I don't know. I just keep hoping my parents will leave town, so I can binge. That would fix this mood. Temporarily.. but still. I don't have another solution at the moment. I am just existing.
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