Do you ever really wonder if you were meant to be? Like were you a mistake? As a scientist, I know a huge percentage of fertilized embryos have genetic mutations that make them inviable and they don't ever make it to birth. Are there people who somehow make it to birth that are not suited to life?
I seriously have been contemplating some deep issues lately.. good and bad. The bad being that I'm pretty suicidal. Still at the thought stage and just hypothetical, but I am really questioning my desire to keep going. I am also contemplating a lot about why people are so bothered by human deaths unrelated to them.. like murder or the death of strangers. I understand why people close to us would be sad, but in general why is the death of one in billions so important? I won't get into the whole line of thought there because it gets awfully dark and cynical. I think I am just questioning my own existence and my need to stay alive for others. I mean I cannot exist without chemicals to alter my thinking, so why waste time and resources on me?
But I am wondering if there's a possibility of finding something I am good at. Because my dog was really shy when we got her, my thing at work is finding those shy/scared dogs and getting them to like me. Lately, I am identifying way more with animals than people. I think (I am getting very out there with this thinking) animals/pets are so similar to people in the mental healthcare system.. they are fully functional beings thrown into a world that doesn't understand them. They speak a different language, so they're confused and scared. People get upset if they're hostile and trying to protect themselves. They expect them to act normal and loving and fit a certain idea of behavior. I see them as trying to adapt to a probably very difficult life. We get animals that spent lots of their lives in shelters and with little contact with others, so they don't get all social situations. We have one who was never left alone (always with her mom or other family member) so is totally anxious and neurotic if left alone for even a few minutes.. But they're loving, feeling creatures. People just don't try to help because they only worry about themselves. This all kind of touches on my current ethical crisis about wanting to go vegan and speciesism. I wonder if what will make happy is working with animals that are hurting. There are dog trainers and behaviorists that help rescued dogs become happy dogs. I just know I don't really want to be a therapist for people, which is what everyone with mental health issues seems to decide to be. I find happiness and relief for myself when I can stop and press my forehead to the head of a dog or a cat or sit in their room and they sit with me because it is amazing to find ways to communicate across species barriers. I talk to them because I know they can't understand the majority of the words but the sound and tone can be soothing (as someone who doesn't cope well with silence) and it helps me to talk. I would never grab them and hug them when they're scared because that isn't something they find comforting. I hate people who want to hug me when I am in crisis when I want to curl up in a ball and be alone. I don't know.. I see something there. I just don't know how to make that my life. I don't know how to live long enough to have a life at this point. I am just trying to find moments of meaning in a world that seems just fine without me.
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