Mental breakdown

So I haven't posted in forever. I have been slowly going downhill. I feel like my life is going nowhere because I can't afford a car or an apartment. I probably will need to change jobs to be able to. I can't figure out what I am even capable of.

Then my parents left town. I drank the first day. The second day I went to work, and I was just too tired and depressed. I opened up about it when my supervisor asked how I was doing. I said I needed a mental health day. They let me go home, and I just spent the day in bed drinking and occasionally trying to eat. I was so suicidal, and I was just laying there thinking of calling a crisis line. I could barely get out of bed. I couldn't eat more than a few bites before it was exhausting. I guess I slept.

I went to work the next day and ended up going home. I basically said if I could go without getting fired, I needed to leave. My supervisor let me and asked someone to drive me. I said I didn't need a ride and made an excuse. I really needed to go to the liquor store. I bought 2 more bottles and took Lyft home. I stayed in bed crying.

I am not scheduled again until tomorrow. I am seriously hoping they don't fire me. I have only gone home sick once in 7 months before this, and some people call in almost weekly. I am managing to stay out of bed since my parents came back. Mentally, I am still very bad. My job keeps me going. I want to just go back and not talk about it. I want my parents not to ask anything if they noticed. I want to pretend it's ok because that's the only way I can function. My parents would blame it all on alcohol, but I have been suicidal off and on for weeks. I just am struggling to function and alcohol drowns the thoughts. I couldn't keep fighting without a break. I guess I will update tomorrow with what happens. I will tell them I am ok now and safe. That's mostly true. Then I will fake ok and safe