Brief update

I will update on how today went since if you read my last post I was very worried about it. Honestly, it was about as good as I could expect. I kept my job. Honestly only the one supervisor who I had vented to both days I went home is the only one who asked about it. She asked if I was doing better and had gotten enough sleep. I kind of laughed and said better but not sleeping well. I think I was a bit bitter because the last 2 nights I have had awful nightmares. Including one that was like a nightmare inside another nightmare where I was trying to sleep and having dreams about being at work and being attacked by dogs and all sorts of bad scenarios, then I would seemingly wake up in my bed screaming or fall out of bed. I only know it's a dream because I know I would actually have woken my parents and gotten a response if i screamed. In the dream, it just kept happening. Last night.. I don't really remember the dreams but they were bad and repeatedly woke me up. Anyway, so I otherwise just kept working, and I ordered pizza for everyone because it makes me feel better about being an awful person. Then later I went up front and the 2 assistant managers and my supervisor were all there.. having a very odd conversation that had nothing to do with work or me. When it finally stopped, I said quietly to the supervisor that the real answer is I am doing better and my parents are home from vacation so I am safe. It seemed to click that I had mentioned that they were going out of town before all this. I didn't really elaborate on why that's such a problem.. but I think it was a better answer. I honestly just wanted to say that I'm safe, which is not 100% true... but I don't want them worried. I mean I am as safe as before.. and as safe as usual. My parents being around gives me the primarily self imposed idea that I have to keep up appearances. That means sleeping at normal hours, eating normal meals, and being social and talkative and reasonably happy (that's the part that's self  imposed). It also means there is someone in the house that would be upset if I went through with any of the elaborate plans my head comes up with. I mean I know on some level they would be upset even if they were in California and came home to find out I died or was missing, but when the thoughts are bed it only helps to know that they are in the house. They will notice much sooner if I disappear (since all the current plans tend to involve running away so they don't find my body in their house). 

From there, the day was only stressful in normal ways. I did get asked once if I was OK when I sat down at a table with someone else who was not present for me breaking down and going on about how depressed and exhausted I was.. but she's a supervisor and would surely know that I left those days. She may just have been asking because I looked tired, but I don't know. The other time was when I showed them (actually I guess both her and the manager asked this time) the long scratch I now have on my face from the dog. At that point, I think they have to ask in case I decide to sue or something over a superficial scratch. I got smacked in the face by a golden retriever.. it's not the first time I've been hit by a dog.. it was just annoying. But I survived the day with no other comments. I work again tomorrow with different people, so I am still worried about comments. I just feel better because I assume if I was being fired they would have done it or said something today. I just hope I can sleep tonight without any nightmares. 

Sorry that wasn't as brief as planned