Mental block

So I have been posting on Instagram the past few days because it honestly (and this sounds stupid) has been so important in my recovery the past few months. Blogger really was before, but it's been less active, so I have been relying on Instagram and some unhealthy ED related sites. It allows me to see actual people living with mental health problems.. because so much talks about recovering from eating disorders or depression and not living with chronic mental health problems. My issues.. I am not likely to recover from any time soon. It's shown me, other adults have to live with their parents. Other people celebrate the little accomplishments because they aren't little for everyone. I have managed to change my mentality to see people living with eating disorders, and I can see how many ways I have changed in my recovery. I mean.. I spent years only eating vanilla yogurt because when the bulimia started that flavor was slightly lower in calories than the fruit ones.. so I absolutely convinced myself I preferred it. Then in treatment they gave us vanilla (albeit a much higher calorie brand). Now.. I buy whatever I want. My dad is on a diet and doing what I consider some disordered things like measuring the granola he eats in the morning. I see the measuring cup on the counter. I work a very active job right now, so I buy a yogurt that is NOT nonfat.. like one with a freaking layer of caramel on the bottom.. or sprinkles. I pour the granola in.. or take a handful. If I am still hungry.. I ate a taco before work yesterday to make sure I was ok for work. I get up in the middle of the night and eat if I am hungry. This is a level of recovery I couldn't dream of for years and seeing people in other stages reminds me of that.

In terms of depression and alcoholism, I am not that far. I am struggling. The positive is that in a year and 3 months, I have not been hospitalized. In a year and like 8 months, I have not attempted suicide. Those are big things. In like 10 years.. that's the longest I have been out of the hospital. I was reminded in a conversation with a coworker yesterday because we were talking about medications of how much damage was done in those last few hospital stays. In november 2017, the doctor (for reasons he didn't even really explain) put me on 300mg of Seroquel twice a day even though I am NOT bipolar or psychotic.. he also took me off my antidepressant.. I don't even know. I was like the walking dead for over a year until I got a doctor to take me down to 200mg of Seroquel for sleep and 2 antidepressants. On a good day, I have energy. Today.. not so much.. but I have personality and a sense of humor. I could easily do something stupid and go to the hospital and get to sleep and escape, but I would have to undo the damage later. I would rather try to work with my doctor next week to make live manageable in the real world.

What I was talking about with my therapist today was this complete mental block I have involving my education and my career. When I was working on my Masters degree, my alcoholism started.. and my depression got horrible. I finished all my courses.. I actually made good grades. When I was trying to focus and write my professional paper (basically a literature review in lieu of a thesis), I kept going into the hospital.. with the alcoholism I could barely remember what I had read or written each time I got out. It was like each time i had to start over. Then, I went through ECT. That's pretty much how i lost the job I loved.. I explained that unofficially, I lost it because of my drinking. I acknowledge that, but the performance improvement plan I was put on was only when I admitted to undergoing ECT and having severe anxiety about my short term memory because of it. I was so afraid I would forget about a policy update or an email. Between the alcohol and ECT, there's about a year I have very patchy memory of. I am still doubtful of my brain and my memory. Every time I can't remember a dog's name at work, I worry that my brain is damaged. I mean.. I can remember stupid little details and conversations I have had. I know it isn't that I can't remember anything. I just worry that my brain isn't what it was. That's why I am scared to look for science jobs. I view myself as damaged. I don't have the focus or attention span I did, but that might just be because I have been unchallenged. Outside of the hospital, I don't read books.. I don't read science journals. Honestly.. I am impressed that I have downloaded multiple phone games and a computer game because before I just blankly stared at Pinterest without even focusing my eyes. I am trying.. but I am so afraid to find out I can't do what I was doing.

So why is this coming up.. it's a whole lot of things at once. Basically, my parents are talking about buying a house. I have checked finally (awkwardly) that I can still live with them when they do.. but they are talking about moving much further than I thought. It's rather too far to be worth moving for the job I am at.. like I am not being paid enough to move out at the moment. Why would I drive that far for this? Except that these people have been so nice and understanding about my struggles.. and I love the dogs. I just want to be independent. My goals are so low right now.. financial independence and my own place. I can't get there without a second job or a different job. My parents moving is putting pressure on me sooner than I expected. I haven't mentally processed all this. I don't want to make an impulsive decision. I can't just quit this job since it gives me insurance. So I have to think about change. Currently, I am contemplating either veterinary technician certification or some kind of medical laboratory tech certification (there's multiple and I have to find out which ones hospitals look for). Both involve more school but maybe online.. both pay better and would probably be more consistent hours. Both require more of me than my current job and life. Today I am exhausted and have had 3 cans of pepsi max and am just trying to stay out of bed.. so it's hard to think about anything. It became so obvious explaining this to my therapist that all this is what's making it hard to sleep. My sleep deprived brain wants a way out (which is usually escapist and suicidal), and I silence it with Grey's Anatomy and Welcome to Nightvale. I need to think about it. I should probably set some higher goals for myself than just making it to 11pm before going to bed. There's just such a wall there. It is so hard to explain to those without mental illness how anxiety goes from fear to an almost physical wall that prevents you from doing things. After that 2 day mental break from work, it was what made my heart race and my hands shake when I went back.. further than that, it becomes chest pains. It becomes this feeling I am being strangled. I set my goals low because it was almost crippling before I moved home. I have made progress, but I need to get further if I want to move out. I want to move out so I can have an apartment where I can walk around in my underwear or naked.. so I can sleep in the afternoon.. so I can eat whatever the fuck I want. I can go vegan. That's a big motivation. I have to remind myself of that when that wall pops up... so my goal is to look into these certifications. Not to do it.. because one step at a time. I just have to look. I will remind myself how I want to be a crazy old, naked, vegan cat lady in my own place.. I can get cats like they're an impulse buy and love them with all my heart. I can have conversations with them like the little assholes they are.. I can only wear clothes when it's cold or I have to go outside. I can try all the crazy, plant based recipes I see that I know my parents won't touch. I can do so much.. I just have to get past this wall.

Learning to see the accomplishments

So I only have 20 minutes before leaving for work, but I am trying not to disappear for weeks at a time like I have been. Things aren't exactly good, but I am trying to see both positive and negative. N

Negatives.. I have been drinking.. first vodka then rubbing alcohol. I am so tired I can barely function. I spent 4 hours in bed yesterday just watching Greys Anatomy on Netflix because I couldn't function. I also vomited repeatedly because rubbing alcohol is terrible on my stomach.

Positives.. I finally asked my mom if I could still live with them if they buy a house. It was super awkward, but I asked. She said yes.. like I think in her mind it was implied that I could still live there. I also explained a little about the issue of how I'm not making a living wage at this job and have no idea what I want to do next. I tried to play it off as maybe if we move, I will find motivation to change jobs. Still.. that's one less fear.

I just honestly am so depressed I can barely function. I have had a cup of coffee and a Pepsi Max to try to make it through work. I honestly thought about calling in sick and then getting a hotel room to sleep in for 7 hours, but I won't. I can do this.

Also, positive.. I got my mom an awesome mother's day gift. It's a Fujifilm Instax (think like polaroid) camera for when they travel. I can't convince myself to spend money on clothes or anything practical, but I can spend on gifts..

I plan to take an extra Seroquel tonight and try to sleep off whatever this slump is. I am living with my mental illness right now and not dying from it.