Learning to see the accomplishments

So I only have 20 minutes before leaving for work, but I am trying not to disappear for weeks at a time like I have been. Things aren't exactly good, but I am trying to see both positive and negative. N

Negatives.. I have been drinking.. first vodka then rubbing alcohol. I am so tired I can barely function. I spent 4 hours in bed yesterday just watching Greys Anatomy on Netflix because I couldn't function. I also vomited repeatedly because rubbing alcohol is terrible on my stomach.

Positives.. I finally asked my mom if I could still live with them if they buy a house. It was super awkward, but I asked. She said yes.. like I think in her mind it was implied that I could still live there. I also explained a little about the issue of how I'm not making a living wage at this job and have no idea what I want to do next. I tried to play it off as maybe if we move, I will find motivation to change jobs. Still.. that's one less fear.

I just honestly am so depressed I can barely function. I have had a cup of coffee and a Pepsi Max to try to make it through work. I honestly thought about calling in sick and then getting a hotel room to sleep in for 7 hours, but I won't. I can do this.

Also, positive.. I got my mom an awesome mother's day gift. It's a Fujifilm Instax (think like polaroid) camera for when they travel. I can't convince myself to spend money on clothes or anything practical, but I can spend on gifts..

I plan to take an extra Seroquel tonight and try to sleep off whatever this slump is. I am living with my mental illness right now and not dying from it.