pictures

Me and the cat that belongs to a coworker. My expression is because I had to explain it's not nice to try to eat my face

My kids 

Still fighting

I am sorry I haven't been active. I guess I thought my posts were repetitive. I have since my last post gotten settled in a new house with my parents and found a new job. My insurance changed and my new therapist encouraged journalling. 

My eating disorder and self harm are still pretty much gone. My drinking is not. I had one major binge that resulted in me falling several times and many bruises and maybe a broken nose (never saw a doctor) and one where I blacked out and couldn't remember most of the day. Otherwise, I am drinking less. I missed a couple days of work with that first binge and also had to wear a lot of makeup because I work at a veterinary clinic and the vet asked about my nose and if I had an X ray. 

My parents have confronted me a few times about the drinking, but they haven't suggested inpatient. Honestly, I would go if money wasn't an issue. Most of the time they act like everything is fine. They are still arguing a lot, which is a big trigger. They're in therapy, but I feel like it's not helping. I would be a hypocrite if I questioned it. 

I now work in the kennel at a veterinary clinic. I love the animals.. the people are a challenge. I got a rough start because I had only worked a few days before calling in sick or leaving early because the drinking made me too weak to work. I feel like no one talks about (or maybe experiences) how a drinking binge leaves you unable to spend time not in bed. This meant I felt awkward around everyone and didn't feel comfortable talking to them. I work a lot with a guy who is lazy and expects me to do most of the work. Other people have noticed and talked to the owner/vet about it. One person has told me to boss him around, but they don't pay me enough to supervise someone who has worked there longer than me. I just pick up the slack and hope they can see how hard I am working. The vet recently told me how good I am doing. I still feel drawn to work with animals. I think my life helps me understand their anxiety. I have had validation when a dog I affectionately called a little jerk (it's all about tone of voice) always wanted to be with me and barked to keep other dogs away from me. I talk to them because it seems reassuring. I am not as rough with them as one guy is. I give them a kiss on the forehead if they are good for their bath. I am still a cat person because cats are low maintenance and independent, but the dog cuddles seriously keep me going. I actually feel like I am good at this, but I don't think it pays enough to live on. I am thinking about becoming a vet tech. That or I need a job that would make it possible to have my own place and more rescue cats. 

So I will try to update more. I think it helps me organize my thoughts. I just want to get to where I enjoy life and don't just function.