Awkward therapy appointment

So I had therapy today for the first time in several weeks. I cancelled my appointment the day before the whole motel thing happened because I was avoiding my parents. Then I was in the hospital for two weeks. 

I got to update her on the whole suicide attempt and everything after. I admitted that I have been reading all the test results from the hospital and today the itemized bill to get an idea what happened during the parts I don't remember. This includes at least one seizure.. probably more judging by the amount of lorazepam I was billed for. I also was on anticonvulsants. I had a couple abnormal ECGs and really elevated creatine kinase and a diagnosis of rhabdomyolysis which is caused by breakdown of muscle and can cause kidney damage. That actually explains how much trouble I had sitting up and why they kept telling me to lay back down. Anyway, I feel sort of happy that I was so sick because I hate the idea of attempting and having no damage. It makes me feel like a waste of people's time. We talked about the fact that I have no plans to do anything right now, but I always have a backup plan. I always kind of assume that eventually I will succeed. There's just a sort of hopelessness that never goes away. 

It was all kind of awkward. I don't normally talk about the suicidal thoughts. I don't know why I did today. 

I had to email my job twice to get them to finally tell me they hired a replacement for me. I still got emailed the schedule, and they asked for doctors notes... So how was I supposed to know? Now I keep thinking of passive aggressively telling the office manager that I tried to kill myself if anyone asks how I am doing(they don't really know the details) because I am angry at how this was handled. They have every right to fire me since I didn't call in sick. I just didn't show. But they should have just told me. They mentioned in the email how much it inconvenienced them, but I have decided not to feel guilty for how I inconvenienced anyone. If I was in such a bad place that I wanted to die, I was not doing it to hurt people. I won't feel guilty for a suicide attempt. I did what felt like my only option at the time. 

So I am still feeling pretty down. I am mostly ambivalent about life right now. I am tired... It might be my meds. I am sick of being around my parents all the time. I just want a day where I don't have to talk to anyone. I also really want a drink. I am still existing though...

This is my life...

So I don't always include a trigger warning... but yeah.. trigger warning on this.

The last 2 weeks have been hell.. aided only by the fact that I don't remember several days at all. That's also a bad thing. So on Feb 12th (if I am getting this right), I drank a lot on my lunch at work and ended up throwing up all over myself on the way home from dinner with my parents. They were understandably angry, so I ended up hiding in my room through that night and the next day. Then comes the bit I only barely remember.

February 14th (only recently realized it was Valentines day) I got a motel room for myself. I don't really remember if my parents had gone out or how I managed to leave without them stopping me. I know that I bought alcohol. I think I must have turned my phone off or ignored it because I have a ton of missed texts from them and from work over the 3 days I was there. All I remember from the motel is that I ordered pizza and it got there and I didn't want it. It ended up just sitting on the table and I picked at it a little. I think I ordered other food another day. I was there for 3 days. The only other thing I remember is trying to walk and falling down a lot.. like my legs are covered in scabs. I remember being afraid someone in another room would think there was a fight going on or something else happening because I kept trying to walk (I think to the bathroom) and then hitting the floor.

So I don't remember the rest of what happened. Apparently, I OD'd on my meds at some point, and on the 17th ended up having someone call the police and being taken by ambulance to the ER. I was in the ICU at first and then a medical ward. I know my chart says I was hallucinating. I mainly remember them trying to get me to stay in the bed.. and when they'd tell me to like sit up or roll on my side I could hardly do it. My body wouldn't cooperate. I was in that hospital for 5 days. I obviously didn't deal with any of the texts from work during that time. The last night I was supposed to stay and then see psych the next morning. I had the brilliant idea to check myself out AMA.

Except, they didn't give me my wallet when I left. I think it was with hospital security or on another floor or something.. so I only left with my phone, my ID, and my insurance card. I was also wearing those disposable hospital scrubs and socks. I tried to figure out how to get a hotel room and then hopefully finish the job but couldn't figure out what to do without my wallet. I walked to Walmart and tried to figure out if I could buy a prepaid visa card or something using my phone. I finally gave up and called my parents. They took me home.. but were obviously angry.

The next morning, I got up and tried to leave again. I even scheduled the Lyft ride and a motel room. My dad was awake and stopped me. He and my mom talked me into going inpatient. I packed a bag and they took me to the ER. I was there for 5 hours before being transferred to a psych hospital.

It was not the greatest hospital.. but I was cooperative. They changed my meds. I went to the groups. I do feel somewhat better. I mean.. I want to drink, but I am no longer actively suicidal. They only kept me 5 days, and my parents weren't happy about that. In my defense, I never asked to be sent home or even questioned when I would be discharged. So either they felt I was ready or my insurance didn't want to approve more days. I spent a fair amount of time trying to remember what happened during those blackout days. It was watching TV commercials that I remembered the pizza sitting on the table.. and looking at the scabs on my legs that I remembered falling down. The rest is still a blank.

My parents managed to get my wallet from the hospital, but my laptop wasn't there. So I got to awkwardly call the motel and thankfully they still had it. The motel manager said he was glad I was alright.. which made me feel guilty.

I had the social worker send a letter to work saying I was in the hospital. I then at some point while IP checked my voicemail using one of the unit phones.. so I got to hear the missed voicemails from the office manager. I ended up calling her.. and she said the vet had said I was in the hospital. I am unsure if he knew because of the letter or if I called.. but the only call listed on my phone was February 14th, which is before the hospital. So anyway.. she said he had asked her to call the next day and check on me. She said I would need to get doctors notes for the time I was gone.. so I guess I haven't been fired? I sent her one doctors note (from the psych hospital and it awkwardly says Haven Behavioral Center on it.. so obviously a psych hospital) and then part of the discharge notice from the other because I hadn't thought to get a note because I wasn't exactly in my right mind while in the medical hospital.. but I have documentation of when I was there. I just had to carefully edit out any of the details about why because I am still hoping to just say it was depression and not bring up the alcoholism or at least the extent of the alcoholism. I don't know. I haven't heard back from her yet, but it's the weekend. It's going to be awkward any way I handle it because it's a long time to unexpectedly be out.

My parents want me to find some kind of intensive outpatient now... they don't think 5 days in the hospital was enough therapy. I feel like I have done enough therapy over the past 18 years that I am not going to learn anything new. I will look into it tomorrow. The social worker at the hospital was pretty useless as far as referrals. She just gave me info for that hospital's IOP (and I was not impressed by that place), one that doesn't take insurance, and one that would interfere with work and I specifically asked for an evening IOP. I am currently considering paying out of pocket for the one that doesn't take insurance because it at least sounds like it involves some different therapies. One place mentions yoga and I have no interest in that. I know there's more out there than what she gave me, so now that I have my computer I can look into it. Today I am taking it easy.

Currently debating if I go back to work if I am going to tell people why I was in the hospital or just say I was in the hospital. If I say I tried to kill myself, at least they'll probably not ask more questions.. but that's probably awkward. If I just say I was in the hospital, that could lead to gossip and questions about why.. and saying I am not comfortable talking about it won't help. I don't think my parents want me going back to work full time, but in my opinion the whole point of IOP is to keep you busy. Work would keep me busy and earn money instead of costing money.

I don't know. Thank you if you got to the end of this. I needed to vent because there's a lot going through my head and I don't get to talk about it.