Awkward therapy appointment

So I had therapy today for the first time in several weeks. I cancelled my appointment the day before the whole motel thing happened because I was avoiding my parents. Then I was in the hospital for two weeks. 

I got to update her on the whole suicide attempt and everything after. I admitted that I have been reading all the test results from the hospital and today the itemized bill to get an idea what happened during the parts I don't remember. This includes at least one seizure.. probably more judging by the amount of lorazepam I was billed for. I also was on anticonvulsants. I had a couple abnormal ECGs and really elevated creatine kinase and a diagnosis of rhabdomyolysis which is caused by breakdown of muscle and can cause kidney damage. That actually explains how much trouble I had sitting up and why they kept telling me to lay back down. Anyway, I feel sort of happy that I was so sick because I hate the idea of attempting and having no damage. It makes me feel like a waste of people's time. We talked about the fact that I have no plans to do anything right now, but I always have a backup plan. I always kind of assume that eventually I will succeed. There's just a sort of hopelessness that never goes away. 

It was all kind of awkward. I don't normally talk about the suicidal thoughts. I don't know why I did today. 

I had to email my job twice to get them to finally tell me they hired a replacement for me. I still got emailed the schedule, and they asked for doctors notes... So how was I supposed to know? Now I keep thinking of passive aggressively telling the office manager that I tried to kill myself if anyone asks how I am doing(they don't really know the details) because I am angry at how this was handled. They have every right to fire me since I didn't call in sick. I just didn't show. But they should have just told me. They mentioned in the email how much it inconvenienced them, but I have decided not to feel guilty for how I inconvenienced anyone. If I was in such a bad place that I wanted to die, I was not doing it to hurt people. I won't feel guilty for a suicide attempt. I did what felt like my only option at the time. 

So I am still feeling pretty down. I am mostly ambivalent about life right now. I am tired... It might be my meds. I am sick of being around my parents all the time. I just want a day where I don't have to talk to anyone. I also really want a drink. I am still existing though...