First I want to vent about some things that pissed me off. I was scheduled to have an appointment at 2:00 with the physicians assistant who manages me psych meds. Yesterday at around 5:00, I get an email confirming my appointment at 2:00 with some other person I have never heard of. So I understand that there are reasons that I might have to change. I am reasonable, but it would also be reasonable to expect them to call me and tell me it's happening or my PA could have told me because apparently he's known for a while. That's the first thing that upset me. The second is that at 1:15 I get a text telling me that I had an appointment with this lady at 2:00 EST. I'm not in that time zone. I get all worried that they screwed it up and I missed the appointment, but I try to calm down and tell myself someone would have called if I had actually not shown for the appointment (video appointment). Then 2:00 CDT (or CST? not sure the difference) comes, and I go to log on to the appointment. Except now the appointment is listed as a past appointment, so there's no longer a link to join the video call. I get to frantically call and explain the weird situation to someone at the office, so they can send me a new link. Then of course, they're late. At 2:10 or something the medical assistant comes on and wants to update my chart and check my personal info is the same. Then at 2:20 probably, I actually see the new PA. She's rather too cheerful, but I think she was trying to make up for the whole situation with the appointment and the anxiety it caused.
The title of the post has to do with some lies I told. I'm like 75% honest lately. I'm pretty honest about having self harmed, but I usually lie on when and how many times. I sometimes admit to suicidal thoughts, but I always lie about how bad they are. I lie about if there's a plan. In my defense, there's always a plan. I always have a backup plan, and that's really hard to explain to a mental health professional without freaking them out. I am currently debating how much I can trust the new lady, and that's going to take some time to figure out.
I still am not sure why, but my hands are shaking so badly. It could be electrolytes because of bulimia. It could be the ridiculous amount of caffeine. It could be that I skipped my Wellbutrin for a week and then suddenly restarted the full dose. Either way.. I'm afraid my parents have noticed, and I think they will assume I have been drinking because I always had tremors when I quit drinking. I think caffeine pills would upset them slightly less, but it won't go over well. I can't tell them about the Wellbutrin because they'll be angry that I didn't take my meds. There's no way to win if they bring it up, so I'm hoping they just won't say anything because I've had tremors in my left hand for a while now. That I assume is med, but my doctor just told me to try taking benadryl to help with it. The real solution is probably not to have me on more than one antipsychotic, but like the new lady he didn't want to rock the boat by changing anything. I tried to mention several times that I'm on too many meds, but she basically said that's just how it is for some people.
I don't know. This probably wasn't coherent, but I needed to vent.
