Irrational thinking and random updates **TW**

So it's been a few weeks since I wrote anything here. Time got away from me. I've been working more the past couple weeks, and my sleep schedule has gotten weird.. and just generally I'm not getting a lot done. So some of this will be scattered updates, but there's one main thing I wanted to talk about because it's been on my mind a couple days now.

So I have been in an eating disorder relapse for months. Behaviors have varied between restricting and binging and purging and some exercise mixed in. Some of it is clearly a matter of coping with stress and emotions. I used alcohol for that, and when I stopped drinking, I did that by binging and purging. There is also a part that is about weight.. or at least that's one of my focuses.

I had this conversation with my therapist a few weeks ago.. and I feel bad for thinking she's an idiot (yes I thought that) because of some questions she asked.. one was basically why I didn't just eat 3 meals and snacks (or something like that) everyday. I thought for a minute to try to come up with an answer other than I just don't want to.. which I thought should be obvious. She doesn't seem to understand that I am not as interested in recovery as she wants me to be. Anyway, at some point the question came up about me owning a scale. I said I had one. She asked why. Really? What did she think the answer would be? Anyway.. that's not the topic I wanted to bring up.. it was just annoying

So I've been frustrated for at least a month that I'm not losing any weight. At least a month. I've been trying to think of different things to try. I tried exercising (that trailed off after I started working later). I tried various patterns of eating or not eating or living off liquids and pills. Binging/purging was always there but never part of the plan. But basically I was convinced that I would maybe lose weight when I would fast or live off liquids, but that I was gaining most of it back when I ate again.. or I was gaining weight when I ate with my parents. All these ideas in my head.

Then I was looking at something with pictures that were taken in early April, and the weight on there was about 15 pounds higher than I was this morning. I was going through the FitBit site tonight obsessing, and specifically, I've lost 13.9 pounds in the last month... that's not what my head has been saying, right?  That's not the same as not losing any weight.. and really I should realize my clothes fit different. And there's some visible differences, but I guess staring at the number everyday doesn't make it obvious. But it just made me think of how fucked up my head is. Somehow I had myself thinking my head wasn't that crazy. That I was just acting crazy.. but that my thinking wasn't distorted. I guess I'm wrong. I mean looking at myself I sometimes see a body that is skinnier.. definitely not skinny yet. Other times I look terrible.. I'm currently trying to believe some of the extra weight and some of what I hate is extra skin..

So I don't know.. I took photos which is when I looked at the old ones and found the old weight.
April 6th(ish) 164

May 20th 147

 
You can tell what I mean about the skin if you look at my arms

And the other random news is that I bought a new car.. entirely unrelated. I think I'll save the story for another update. By new car, I mean it is newer than my old car.. It's a 2006 Hyundai Elantra.. (the old one was a 2001 Neon). It's definitely nicer.  I'll write again soon because I need to complain about work, but now I should probably go to bed.