So I had intended to just rant a bit about Christmas and some family stuff, but then in the time it took for me to actually sit down and write this (more than a day) some important things have gone on at work, so I suppose I should add that in before I forget. I apologize if it doesn't all make sense because I'm really very tired. I also apologize in advance because some of the rants are vegan related stuff you may not care about, but I don't have anywhere else to rant about it. I promise it's not anything terrible.
The work stuff.. so work has been crazy busy the past week or maybe two.. I have no sense of time lately. I don't know if it's new clients/doctors or if it's the time of year (everyone is going to rehab and getting drug tested maybe?). Friday I get to work and after a little bit the boss says we're having a meeting.. which was awkward because the conference room was taken, so we just had it over in the corner. Anyway, they're planning on restructuring the department in the new year as part of the plan for when we relocate to the new building. The new building is going to be set up with group cubicles.. and because of this they want to set up each of these little groups of analysts as a team with someone leading it.. and so they need leaders. That means they're creating a new position called senior analyst or senior toxicologist (or senior toxicology analyst.. not really sure.. it all depends on education.. but also depends on the day and who you ask what we are titled). They picked 3 from each shift, and I'm included! I'm happy because honestly I have been put in charge of answering questions and making decisions and various things many times both because of seniority and because of knowledge I guess.. and people like me more than the supervisor, but anyway I am not officially anything other than an analyst. Except starting in January, I will be. Not sure what this involves or if there's any sort of pay increase involved.. but I'll settle for the title.. This week they're starting yearly evaluations, so maybe I'll find out more then.. still nervous about that.
I also got an award (they do these little random awards) and Target gift card for doing extra work. I felt like a bitch because I had been jealous that people got gift cards at the thanksgiving dinner thing that I didn't go to.. turns out I would have gotten this then, but I didn't go (I too a vacation day). Yeah... oh well..
Ok so the little rant.. my parents are coming to terms with having a vegan daughter. Like they're being understanding.. and I'm trying to be understanding.. which is hard at times because i'm stressed about food. Like I want them to get that if we go out to eat, they can order an appetizer and I don't have to have one.. since frequently I can't. I didn't realize how clueless they were though.. but then I'm still pretty clueless I guess. Like my dad's birthday was today but we celebrated yesterday. We were going out to dinner, but the issue of cake came up.. I said we could make something.. but I don't think anyone wanted to bake. I said we could have ice cream. My mom exclaimed rather emphatically "You can't have ice cream. You can't have dairy".. I calmly explained that they make non-dairy ice cream with soy and almond and cashew milks. She said she didn't want to eat almond milk ice cream (she hates almonds). I said I didn't say she had to.. she could have whatever. I am currently sticking to the idea/philosophy/whatever you want to call it that they can eat what they want, and I am not going to force my ideas on them.. now.. if we have a repeat of my mom's birthday dinner (back in October) where she asks at the dinner table if it's ok to eat veal because she is trying to convince herself it is ok to order it... I am not likely to be polite again (I told them to please change the topic) because seriously WHAT THE FUCK.
Interestingly, my mom said to me at dinner that she has tried things she wouldn't otherwise because of this. Like she really liked my tofu dish.. and she and my brother discussed making it at home. So they are becoming open to the idea of vegetarian food at least.. and she tried a bite of the soy ice cream I had (they ate cake).
My brother.. so complete 180 from the veal discussion I guess. We had dinner another time and they brought up some restaurant and some dish they served. My mom went to describe it and my brother stopped her. I don't remember what he said but it amounted to that I didn't want to hear about lamb dishes (and one of the two of them commented that I was bothered by the concept of lamb even as a child). My mom asked if it bothered me for her to describe it.. I said that it didn't interest me to hear about meat dishes.. because basically (didn't say this part) I do not consider meat to be food.. or I am trying to foster the mindset that flesh and the food made from it is not food. Anyway.. later my mom said that when they were alone my brother got upset at her being insensitive and talking about meat to me like that. I am surprised. I was honestly expecting him to be one to challenge me about this.. but maybe not.
I am still working through my own moral dilemmas..
One is a simpler one to solve but it was not one I realized immediately and that is buying food for other people.. I like to feed people. I bring snacks to work every week. I used to buy chips, and every assortment of chips I bought contained either Doritos or Cheetos or both. I stopped eating them when I stopped eating dairy. Last week I bought a particular mix that contained no variety of chip that I could eat.. basically doritos, cheetos, sour cream and onion chips, and lays barbeque (which I have read contain chicken fat). Then over the course of the day I realized that even if I am not eating the chips... I still spent money on them. My money went exclusively to products that contain dairy or meat.. and in doing so I am potentially (if you believe an individual has power) influencing the company to continue making these products and continue purchasing dairy.
So there's a problem.. I have also realized it buying gifts.. so when I bought stuff for a gift exchange at work, I bought mainly non-food and one bar of certified vegan chocolate. Then buying snacks today, I bought pretzels and animal crackers which are dairy free.. so my money isn't going toward products I would not be willing to consume. It just took time to realize this was a problem
The more complicated problem.. well this is not 100% related.. but I cannot remember the last time I took my Wellbutrin.. or now my Lamictal. It is somewhat related because part of a vegan lifestyle is attempting to do nothing that promotes animal suffering, and all medications are tested on animals and therefore promote suffering. I also don't know what they contain in terms of inactive ingredients.. do they contain gelatin? a lot of pills do. I watched a video that talked about taking pills when medically necessary and I wondered if mental illness really counts.. or if I can actually stop these.. I mean clearly I can because I have. I am still taking my seroquel and I am taking my synthroid which is medical not mental, but I have been probably a month at least without the wellbutrin and a few weeks without the mood stabilizer. i am thinking of calling my psychiatrist and trying to find out about weaning myself off the serqoquel for sleep. Then maybe I can be on only the medically necessary medications... because I do feel like a hypocrite taking this many meds and ever using the word vegan. It's why I don't really use it in real life. I just say I don't eat dairy or eggs or meat because I cannot truly say I am vegan. I take medication that is tested on animals and contains unknown ingredients (yes, I could find them out, but that might make me feel worse)..
So yeah.. more dilemmas are fun..
And I am mostly functioning just fine.. Other than sleeping until 1pm and not going anywhere besides work.
