I haven't had much to write lately. Things are mostly the same. In my head there is this constant debated about if I am crazy or sane. If I am sane, am I just thinking I am crazy as an excuse for being a worthless, useless, lazy human being? I am constantly questioning the reality of my problems. Logically, I had depression and bulimia before the alcoholism. I was hospitalized several times before I started drinking and was hospitalized once when I was a year sober. Yes somehow I feel like being sober means I should be back to full functioning. I should be sane now that the alcohol is gone. The problem is that I can see the signs I am still crazy, but I am getting totally mixed signals from others about it.
The main problems I am dealing with are the fact that I am fucking around with my meds.. mostly just taking half my dose of Wellbutrin, but I have also hoarded seroquel to take extra. I also am not throwing the Wellbutrin away. I am sort of stockpiling it. I really want to stop taking more of my meds, but I haven't been able to decide what to do. Plus, I don't want to have to admit to it.. and right now I could probably safely go back to the full dose. If I stop more of the meds, I might have to slowly increase again which would involve the doctor knowing. I am leaning towards manipulating the doctor to take me off more meds. Then the other problem is the eating disorder. I am still purging pretty frequently. I have cut back on laxatives because I don't want to run out, but I am still purging almost everyday.
The mixed signals has a lot to do with my case worker. She seems to push for me applying for jobs, but when I express my concern about working she will say that there's no pressure. I really wish I could get someone to give me a concrete opinion on if I should be working or applying for disability because I don't know. I just know my head is not healthy. I mean I nearly started crying the other day when my mom said we wouldn't go to the grocery store that day but would go on the weekend. I was upset at the change to the plan in my head for the day (and also because that would mean my dad would be there and they would probably argue). I get upset and overwhelmed any time I can't plan my day just right. What is going to happen if I have a bad day at work? Am I going to go back to crying in the bathroom and self harming at work to appear sane? Then doesn't it make sense to try to get better before I do that? Except.. I am not getting better.
The thing is that I have a lot on my mind. I have less than a month to decide if I should appeal the disability decision.. my case worker has said multiple times that she was emailing someone to contact me about help with it. I have waited weeks and heard nothing. I am going to have to figure out some other way to find a lawyer. I am also dealing with a lawsuit about the 16K I owe on a credit card. I contacted legal aid about that and probably filing bankruptcy. I have to wait to see if they will help me, and I don't think I can go through them for that and the disability stuff all at once because it would take so much of their time. This is going to ruin my credit, but it's pretty much ruined anyway because of all the bills that have gone to collections. I am thinking about this everyday trying to decide what I need to be doing and if I am just being lazy or really can't do anything at the moment. I am afraid of having to meet with strangers and talk about all of this shit that I am ashamed of.
And what I really want is to just have enough money to get out of my parents house, and then I can drink myself to death. I still have vodka in my closet, but I am afraid to drink it and not be able to get more if I decide to die. I am reminded often of my drinking days.. and I miss them? I miss not knowing if it was day or night when I woke up and drank to fall back asleep. I miss never getting out of bed. I miss being weak and sick and barely able to walk up the stairs. I miss it, and I feel like i am just waiting until I can go back. That's why it is hard to want to do anything. I know that if I get to be self sufficient again, I am going to go back to digging this hole I was in. Every time I thought I hit bottom, I would go to treatment or stop for a bit and then just dig myself deeper. Every bottom was lower. I know the final one is death, so I sometimes want to speed the process up. I just want to skip to the end result.
But I feel like I have no one to talk to. I have no one to tell me that I am sick and need help and to help me get it. I mean I have my case worker, but I guess I don't want to tell her and have her not help. I don't think there are resources for me to get help. In IOP, I only have a few minutes a week to check in, so there's no time to talk about what's really going on. I am too busy finding lawyers and sorting out my other shit that I have no energy to see if there's more mental health services out there that would help me. I have no money, so I am lucky to have what I have. I really want my parents to leave for a few days so I can recharge by spending my time in bed and not having to act like I am social and normal and healthy. It's exhausting. That or I want to drink to turn my brain off for a while.
You are dealing with so much right now. And I know you know this, but messing around with your meds and purging are not helping your mental state at all. It seems like the first step would be to try and not purge? At least that way, you can give some of your meds a chance to work. Have you ever looked into participating in a clinical trial? I know you are exhausted and that is just one more thing to do...but surely there is someone who can help you do the research?
ReplyDeleteYou seem to have convinced yourself that it is a foregone conclusion that you will repeat the same patterns. It does NOT have to be that way! Just because something has happened repeatedly in the past does not mean it's destined to happen again. There are too many variables to account for. You truly sound very hopeless and depressed and I really hope you know that there are people out there who want to help you - even your parents. They just don't know how. You are not a lazy human being. Your neurotransmitters are probably completely out of balance from purging and the fluctuating intake of medicines.
You may have already thought of this, but have you applied for charity care for any of your medical bills? Filing bankruptcy totally sucks, but there are a lot of people who have had to do it and have gotten through it. If anything, it might take some of the pressure off of you. Yes, it will make finding an apartment more difficult once you get a job and move out, but you can always rent a room instead. Especially if you can show steady income at that point. I would try to get as much of your debt forgiven as possible (especially if it's for medical care) and then ask an attorney which type of bankruptcy would work best in your situation.
Please don't give up on this life. You deserve to live a free and happy life. And you will get through this.