Inside my head

I am really struggling. I haven't posted because I really don't know what to say. I think I am bothered by the disparity between my outside life and my inside life. To the outside world, I think I appear to be functioning. Inside my head, I can clearly tell that I am self destructing. There's a lot going on that makes this apparent to me.

I am incredibly frustrated with the therapist from IOP. He is terrible at communicating things or assuming that they're understood. Like he let me go several extra weeks at IOP (3x a week) when I should have dropped to SOP (2x a week). He said he assumed I knew and just wanted the extra accountability. Then he normally says SOP lasts about 10 weeks. Well after far less than that, he tells me I am out of sessions... and he says this like I should have known that was my last day. He ended up giving me one more individual session.. and when I came for that he seemed surprised I hadn't come Monday and Tuesday.. I'm like.. you told me once a week? So yeah.. it's very frustrating. He seemed to think it was odd that I wasn't excited about this, and I tried to hint at the fact that I am NOT doing well with regards to my mental health and other than this group, I only see my case worked every 2 weeks for 30min. I love my case worker, but it is very hard to accomplish anything in that time. So dropping down to once a week means getting very little help when my mental health is clearly getting worse. Except I don't think he sees that. He also has asked me a couple times about if I was looking for a job or if my parents expected me to find a job. I will get to that in a minute, but he didn't seem to understand why I am anxious about that and why I applied for disability. I don't want to get a job and fall apart and end up losing it anyway. In group, I just say in general that I am struggling with depression and stuff because it's a substance abuse group.. I don't feel it's appropriate to talk about the depression, the eating disorder, the self harm.. but other patients have been commenting that I look unhappy. They seem to understand it better.

I don't know if i wrote yet that my disability application was turned down. I had been told to expect that, but it was still really hard. The decision said stuff about how I am being treated for the depression and should be able to manage it with medication. Well.. I am not taking all my medications. I keep playing around with not taking all my wellbutrin. I also have a stash of a couple other medications that I am taking at random for sleep. It wasn't because of the disability decision. I started it because I had reached a point where I wasn't really depressed but I certainly wasn't happy. It feels safe for me to be depressed than to be numb. But since I started this, I have started self harming again. I also have a stockpile of meds and a bottle of vodka hidden. That's not normal behavior.

Since all this.. the suicidal thoughts are worse. No plan at the moment, but I know that the vodka is there as a backup. I haven't told anyone that the pills and vodka are a suicide backup plan.. I think they think I just plan to drink if it gets to be too much. The consequences are potentially serious enough, that I know I can't drink if I want to stay alive.

The eating disorder is still there. I am purging daily. I have been getting very upset if anything interferes with the time I set aside to pace the house or jog in place to get my steps. I spend a lot of time thinking about all of this. I am also eating compulsively.. especially at night. The self loathing is pretty deep at this point. I feel completely worthless.

So then.. because all of this isn't bad enough. I mean I am at least still doing what I am supposed to. I am not drinking. I am going to meetings. I am stumbling over how to tell or text my sponsor about how i am doing. I went to see an employment counselor and at least applied for one job since then. I still am not sure that I can do it.. like it causes instant panic to think about working. I have been reading back through my old posts and my old instagram posts and I can see how crazy I was for a long time before they fired me. I also kind of miss it. I miss the insanity of drinking and spending my days in bed. I miss not having to pretend to function. Anyway, tonight my parents hand me something that was left on the door about someone trying to serve me with papers. I am sure it is regarding some debt collector... I have all sorts of debt collectors calling me. I have been ignoring them because I have $0.. actually less than no money. Now my parents want me to call legal aid... I've kind of known I would eventually end up filing bankruptcy because I owe tens of thousands of dollars and have no income. Still.. my first thought tonight involved a bottle of pills and vodka. I can't handle this on top of everything else. I mean.. I don't even know how many bills I have out there. I might be able to list the hospitals, but there are so many bills.

I just don't see myself coming back from all this. I feel like I am delaying the inevitable by pretending I am going to live. I don't see myself able to regain independence, and I cannot spend my life living with my parents. I just want to give up. And having no insurance means I am seeing someone every 2 weeks for 30 minutes.. and that's probably all the help I can get unless it becomes a crisis. Sorry.. that sounds ungrateful. I know it could be so much worse. I just don't want to be doing any of this.