Celebrating another year?

I don't exactly know what to say about how I am doing. The best I can try to explain it is that I have a very precarious grip on things. Everything appears fine from the outside, but I am aware of how easily it could all go to hell in a moment.

The biggest thing that's causing this is that my birthday is in a few days. If you go back far enough in this blog, you will see that on my birthday last year I was released from the hospital after a suicide attempt. It was not the only suicide attempt of 2017, and I'm not even sure if it was the last. There were a few experiments with methods that I wouldn't count as attempts (but that all the professionals counted as attempts). There were a few more overdoses, but the one last September was the only one I got caught for and ended up in a medical hospital and then in psych. My memory is really unclear about that time last year. I went to rehab in August after reaching a really low place with the drinking. I came home and about a week later I know I bought vodka. I was in an IOP program but insurance didn't want to keep paying. The night of the attempt I went to an AA meeting and no one else showed up. I overdosed on some meds I had.. then the next day started shaking and having trouble walking at IOP (on the day I was to  be discharged) and ended up being taken to the ER. I ended up doing ECT again after I was sent to psych, which is probably why my memory is blurry. Anyway, my brain keeps trying to remember details of last year and trying to piece it together. I try not to do that because it is easy to get sucked in to all the awful stuff that happened last year, and it leaves me feeling worthless and hopeless.

I was originally planning to ask not to celebrate my birthday because I didn't expect to have a job, and my brother's birthday is 4 days after mine. I didn't want to get presents if I couldn't buy him a present. Last year I think maybe I bought him a birthday present, but by Christmas I was broke and didn't buy anyone anything. Well, I got this job and couldn't convince myself to ask them not to do anything for my birthday because I didn't want to explain that thinking about my birthday and last year has me very depressed. So I am planning to just fake happy and go to dinner and accept presents. I hate knowing I will be 32 and living with my parents and dependent on them.

Well let's add to that part of things. I got a response about my disability application appeal. Basically, they decided my present symptoms are not enough to be considered disabling. I know that I am working now, so that may be correct. It said to contact them again if things get worse. I am pretty much always aware and planning for if things get worse. I am already wondering how to explain to my new bosses about my problems if it comes up. Like if they want to know why I asked to be part time or asked for a certain day off. I can lie. I just would rather not lie. I am debating now if I should be trying to go full time since I won't be getting disability, but I am already so exhausted and anxious and sinking into depression at times. I am trying to reassure myself that it is ok to return to normal functioning slowly. As low as I got (never getting out of bed, never sober, avoiding people, ECT, medication, hospitalizations, etc), it is normal to not want to try too much too quickly. Still, the response made me question whether or not I really have a problem and if I really should be able to do so much more than this. I am fighting the urge to sabotage things in all sorts of ways.

I am just so tired. It isn't the kind of tired that sleeping will completely fix, and when I am tired it is so much easier to do really stupid things. I am fighting those urges all the time. I haven't really had the energy for bulimia or self harm, and that's the only thing stopping those behaviors. I come home from work (7 hours on my feet with maybe 10 minutes sitting down) exhausted and sore, and I eat dinner and sit around waiting until it's time to shower and sleep. If I lived alone, I might just go to bed right away. I would love to drink. I just haven't had an opportunity to get to the liquor store because my parents have been home pretty much any time that I am. I know in my heart I will drink again when I have the chance.

I am struggling with sobriety. I am not calling my sponsor. I am going to meetings but not everyday because of work. I am questioning the program and its requirement of a belief in a higher power. Yes, they say it doesn't have to be God, but there is a definite pressure to make it god. My sponsor might say that she is fine with me using the group or whatever as my higher power, but then she tells me to ask God to remove the desire to drink or asks me to say prayers that have the word God in them. For a while, I didn't doubt my belief in a creator. I just wasn't on speaking terms with Him. I don't believe in a God that I can have a personal relationship with or that I can ask for things and be heard. I don't know if I believe in a benevolent creator. I explained this but the pressure from my sponsor was clearly to begin speaking to God and not supportive of my attempt to work the program without that relationship. Does that make any sense? I have talked about it with other people, so I know it isn't just me that feels the pressure to believe differently even if the program at its core doesn't say that we have to. Well actually, the chapter "We agnostics" that everyone cites as showing that agnostics can find sobriety too tells the story of an agnostic who suddenly begins to believe in God and falls to his knees and prays. I am very fearful of being forced back into a relationship with a God that I believed in and who created me with this depression and emptiness and all of my problems.

So between the memories of last year and my struggling to function and work and my struggles with AA, I feel like anything wrong that happens could drive me over the edge. I have pressure from my parents to do little things like open a bank account that scares me because I still have no idea how to rebuild my life. I don't know how I will ever fix my financial situation. I don't know how to  go from this to independence. I have no guidance for all that. I have very little professional support and basically no guidance on practical matters. I will stop rambling now. I am exhausted and had a hellish day at work. I should just go to bed.

Day one

I have had an exhausting week.. or weeks. I am just struggling with having the energy for it all. I saw my psychiatrist on Wednesday and I wanted to beat his head against a wall. I really cannot stand the man. Before I saw him, I saw a different case worker. She asked questions about how I was doing with the meds and just how I was doing in general. I was able to explain to her how the meds are making me feel so drowsy and exhausted and it's hard to function. She also looked at them and saw that it doesn't really make sense to be on all this given my diagnosis. Then I go see the doctor, and it was beyond frustrating. I said I was really tired. He asked about the depression, and I said it's still a problem. He started talking about increasing something. He asked if I have ever had an eating disorder or seizure disorder because I take Wellbutrin. I told him (NOT for the first time) that I have an eating disorder. He started saying how that is dangerous with Wellbutrin. I tried to say (trying not to snap at him) that I have taken it the majority of the past 11 years, and I have never had a seizure. I am not worried about it. He offered to increase my Lexapro, and I said maybe he could reduce the Seroquel. He started suggesting I just take 200mg in the morning and 400mg at night, so it's the same combined dose. This is where I started losing my patience. I said that I would like to reduce the dose. 600mg is too much. I have never been psychotic. He said it is also used for bipolar (I interrupted and said that I am NOT bipolar and have never been manic) and anxiety. He pulls out his phone and shows me what it's prescribed for and points out generalized anxiety disorder, treatment resistant. I point out that it doesn't suggest 600mg for that. The site said like 50-150mg for anxiety. He finally lowers it to 200mg in the morning and 200mg at night, and I give up because that's something at least. I see another doctor next month. I seriously almost lost it because he doesn't listen and it doesn't make sense to be on that high a dose.. or probably to be on the Lithium. Oh and then he wants to weigh me and is surprised I ask to weigh backwards. I had just reminded him that I was bulimic, and I had mentioned that most of my recent weight gain was after the Seroquel was increased from 200mg daily to 600mg and after the lithium was added. So how can he criticize my weight but refuse to take me off of any meds?

Then after that I had to go shopping for pants for work. Thankfully I was tired enough not to get really upset over it. I found a pair that fit nicely (actually kept having to pull them up today.. oops) and a new bra because one of mine died.

My big accomplishment this morning was to finally tell my mom that I am out of my levothyroxine and need to see a doctor for it. I lied about how long I have been out because I'm embarrassed that I was too embarrassed to ask her to take me somewhere to see someone. She ended up giving me some of her pills to at least make up for not having my own for a few days. I explained the options of where to go to get it, so I just have to find a day I am off work to go.

Then I went to work 12-4 today. I watched a couple training videos then pretty much followed people around. I helped get dogs for play groups. I was a little confused during this and just got the dogs I was told without being able to stop and read their notes to understand who goes to big dogs group, small dogs, etc. Then we filled water bowls. I got to pet lots of dogs. I also got to play with some of the ones that get individual play time. I helped with cleaning a couple cages. Then I spent some time out front learning where paperwork goes up there and being told various rules about handling the dogs in different situations. Then I helped with feeding dinner. I did mix up the food I was supposed to give to one dog with another because I had trouble hearing and was just stupid, but the person didn't act like it was a big deal. That was pretty much it. I work tomorrow and Saturday from 12-7. The supervisor started talking about me doing 12-7 all next week, and I kind of reminded her we had talked about me being part time. Basically I was already so tired I could cry after 4 hours, I knew that working 35 hours next week would end badly. I also almost snapped at my dad because I was talking about dinner tomorrow and if we would eat after I got home. He said "well, I know you will want to go to the 8pm meeting" and I honestly can't remember my response. What I want to say is that I know I will be exhausted, and I think it is reasonable to not make 7 meetings a week if I am working. If it comes down to being able to eat dinner or making the meeting, I would like to eat dinner. Not eating until 9 pm just sounds like torture. I didn't say all that because I knew I couldn't say it calmly, and I know they have no real sense of how tired I am. I will consider later what to say about it. I mean.. I think making 5 meetings a week or so is plenty.

So I will probably go to bed early tonight. It's been a long week