Day one

I have had an exhausting week.. or weeks. I am just struggling with having the energy for it all. I saw my psychiatrist on Wednesday and I wanted to beat his head against a wall. I really cannot stand the man. Before I saw him, I saw a different case worker. She asked questions about how I was doing with the meds and just how I was doing in general. I was able to explain to her how the meds are making me feel so drowsy and exhausted and it's hard to function. She also looked at them and saw that it doesn't really make sense to be on all this given my diagnosis. Then I go see the doctor, and it was beyond frustrating. I said I was really tired. He asked about the depression, and I said it's still a problem. He started talking about increasing something. He asked if I have ever had an eating disorder or seizure disorder because I take Wellbutrin. I told him (NOT for the first time) that I have an eating disorder. He started saying how that is dangerous with Wellbutrin. I tried to say (trying not to snap at him) that I have taken it the majority of the past 11 years, and I have never had a seizure. I am not worried about it. He offered to increase my Lexapro, and I said maybe he could reduce the Seroquel. He started suggesting I just take 200mg in the morning and 400mg at night, so it's the same combined dose. This is where I started losing my patience. I said that I would like to reduce the dose. 600mg is too much. I have never been psychotic. He said it is also used for bipolar (I interrupted and said that I am NOT bipolar and have never been manic) and anxiety. He pulls out his phone and shows me what it's prescribed for and points out generalized anxiety disorder, treatment resistant. I point out that it doesn't suggest 600mg for that. The site said like 50-150mg for anxiety. He finally lowers it to 200mg in the morning and 200mg at night, and I give up because that's something at least. I see another doctor next month. I seriously almost lost it because he doesn't listen and it doesn't make sense to be on that high a dose.. or probably to be on the Lithium. Oh and then he wants to weigh me and is surprised I ask to weigh backwards. I had just reminded him that I was bulimic, and I had mentioned that most of my recent weight gain was after the Seroquel was increased from 200mg daily to 600mg and after the lithium was added. So how can he criticize my weight but refuse to take me off of any meds?

Then after that I had to go shopping for pants for work. Thankfully I was tired enough not to get really upset over it. I found a pair that fit nicely (actually kept having to pull them up today.. oops) and a new bra because one of mine died.

My big accomplishment this morning was to finally tell my mom that I am out of my levothyroxine and need to see a doctor for it. I lied about how long I have been out because I'm embarrassed that I was too embarrassed to ask her to take me somewhere to see someone. She ended up giving me some of her pills to at least make up for not having my own for a few days. I explained the options of where to go to get it, so I just have to find a day I am off work to go.

Then I went to work 12-4 today. I watched a couple training videos then pretty much followed people around. I helped get dogs for play groups. I was a little confused during this and just got the dogs I was told without being able to stop and read their notes to understand who goes to big dogs group, small dogs, etc. Then we filled water bowls. I got to pet lots of dogs. I also got to play with some of the ones that get individual play time. I helped with cleaning a couple cages. Then I spent some time out front learning where paperwork goes up there and being told various rules about handling the dogs in different situations. Then I helped with feeding dinner. I did mix up the food I was supposed to give to one dog with another because I had trouble hearing and was just stupid, but the person didn't act like it was a big deal. That was pretty much it. I work tomorrow and Saturday from 12-7. The supervisor started talking about me doing 12-7 all next week, and I kind of reminded her we had talked about me being part time. Basically I was already so tired I could cry after 4 hours, I knew that working 35 hours next week would end badly. I also almost snapped at my dad because I was talking about dinner tomorrow and if we would eat after I got home. He said "well, I know you will want to go to the 8pm meeting" and I honestly can't remember my response. What I want to say is that I know I will be exhausted, and I think it is reasonable to not make 7 meetings a week if I am working. If it comes down to being able to eat dinner or making the meeting, I would like to eat dinner. Not eating until 9 pm just sounds like torture. I didn't say all that because I knew I couldn't say it calmly, and I know they have no real sense of how tired I am. I will consider later what to say about it. I mean.. I think making 5 meetings a week or so is plenty.

So I will probably go to bed early tonight. It's been a long week