I don't exactly know what to say about how I am doing. The best I can try to explain it is that I have a very precarious grip on things. Everything appears fine from the outside, but I am aware of how easily it could all go to hell in a moment.
The biggest thing that's causing this is that my birthday is in a few days. If you go back far enough in this blog, you will see that on my birthday last year I was released from the hospital after a suicide attempt. It was not the only suicide attempt of 2017, and I'm not even sure if it was the last. There were a few experiments with methods that I wouldn't count as attempts (but that all the professionals counted as attempts). There were a few more overdoses, but the one last September was the only one I got caught for and ended up in a medical hospital and then in psych. My memory is really unclear about that time last year. I went to rehab in August after reaching a really low place with the drinking. I came home and about a week later I know I bought vodka. I was in an IOP program but insurance didn't want to keep paying. The night of the attempt I went to an AA meeting and no one else showed up. I overdosed on some meds I had.. then the next day started shaking and having trouble walking at IOP (on the day I was to be discharged) and ended up being taken to the ER. I ended up doing ECT again after I was sent to psych, which is probably why my memory is blurry. Anyway, my brain keeps trying to remember details of last year and trying to piece it together. I try not to do that because it is easy to get sucked in to all the awful stuff that happened last year, and it leaves me feeling worthless and hopeless.
I was originally planning to ask not to celebrate my birthday because I didn't expect to have a job, and my brother's birthday is 4 days after mine. I didn't want to get presents if I couldn't buy him a present. Last year I think maybe I bought him a birthday present, but by Christmas I was broke and didn't buy anyone anything. Well, I got this job and couldn't convince myself to ask them not to do anything for my birthday because I didn't want to explain that thinking about my birthday and last year has me very depressed. So I am planning to just fake happy and go to dinner and accept presents. I hate knowing I will be 32 and living with my parents and dependent on them.
Well let's add to that part of things. I got a response about my disability application appeal. Basically, they decided my present symptoms are not enough to be considered disabling. I know that I am working now, so that may be correct. It said to contact them again if things get worse. I am pretty much always aware and planning for if things get worse. I am already wondering how to explain to my new bosses about my problems if it comes up. Like if they want to know why I asked to be part time or asked for a certain day off. I can lie. I just would rather not lie. I am debating now if I should be trying to go full time since I won't be getting disability, but I am already so exhausted and anxious and sinking into depression at times. I am trying to reassure myself that it is ok to return to normal functioning slowly. As low as I got (never getting out of bed, never sober, avoiding people, ECT, medication, hospitalizations, etc), it is normal to not want to try too much too quickly. Still, the response made me question whether or not I really have a problem and if I really should be able to do so much more than this. I am fighting the urge to sabotage things in all sorts of ways.
I am just so tired. It isn't the kind of tired that sleeping will completely fix, and when I am tired it is so much easier to do really stupid things. I am fighting those urges all the time. I haven't really had the energy for bulimia or self harm, and that's the only thing stopping those behaviors. I come home from work (7 hours on my feet with maybe 10 minutes sitting down) exhausted and sore, and I eat dinner and sit around waiting until it's time to shower and sleep. If I lived alone, I might just go to bed right away. I would love to drink. I just haven't had an opportunity to get to the liquor store because my parents have been home pretty much any time that I am. I know in my heart I will drink again when I have the chance.
I am struggling with sobriety. I am not calling my sponsor. I am going to meetings but not everyday because of work. I am questioning the program and its requirement of a belief in a higher power. Yes, they say it doesn't have to be God, but there is a definite pressure to make it god. My sponsor might say that she is fine with me using the group or whatever as my higher power, but then she tells me to ask God to remove the desire to drink or asks me to say prayers that have the word God in them. For a while, I didn't doubt my belief in a creator. I just wasn't on speaking terms with Him. I don't believe in a God that I can have a personal relationship with or that I can ask for things and be heard. I don't know if I believe in a benevolent creator. I explained this but the pressure from my sponsor was clearly to begin speaking to God and not supportive of my attempt to work the program without that relationship. Does that make any sense? I have talked about it with other people, so I know it isn't just me that feels the pressure to believe differently even if the program at its core doesn't say that we have to. Well actually, the chapter "We agnostics" that everyone cites as showing that agnostics can find sobriety too tells the story of an agnostic who suddenly begins to believe in God and falls to his knees and prays. I am very fearful of being forced back into a relationship with a God that I believed in and who created me with this depression and emptiness and all of my problems.
So between the memories of last year and my struggling to function and work and my struggles with AA, I feel like anything wrong that happens could drive me over the edge. I have pressure from my parents to do little things like open a bank account that scares me because I still have no idea how to rebuild my life. I don't know how I will ever fix my financial situation. I don't know how to go from this to independence. I have no guidance for all that. I have very little professional support and basically no guidance on practical matters. I will stop rambling now. I am exhausted and had a hellish day at work. I should just go to bed.
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