Good news or bad news

I am still feeling kind of lost with regards to my mental health, so this is probably going to be all over the place. I apologize for that.

The news I have is that I may have a job. I say may have because I had the interview and was offered the job, but I am waiting on some email from HR that's the next step in the process. I don't want to actually say I have the job until I actually finish the hiring process and start because in my pessimistic mind, it could still all go wrong. I mean.. twice during my drinking I was offered jobs that I never started. One I backed out of because I was irrationally afraid of working in a restaurant, and the second I ended up inpatient the day I should have started and just never called the store about it. This job is the first interview I have gone on in at least 6 months, and it was a very strange experience. I put in an application at a pet boarding/daycare place that my parents have used. I got a call within a couple hours asking me to set up an interview for the next day. It happened fast enough that I didn't have time to truly second guess it. Actually, I made a conscious effort before the interview to not think about what would happen later. My mind could certainly come up with a million reasons this was a terrible idea, but I chose not to think anything good or bad. I didn't want my hopes up either because I have been unemployed over a year, and I don't really have work experience with animals. I have volunteered in high school in a vet clinic, and I have done petsitting for a few friends. Otherwise, my experience just comes from having dogs and cats and having friends with dogs and cats. The interview was really easy. She didn't even really ask about my past jobs except the usual question about what employers would say my good qualities are. She said I could either work out front (with the people) or in back with the animals. I said I am open to both, but I probably would prefer the dogs at this point. She showed me around, and I hope that I made a good impression because the groomer had her 3 dogs in one room and I stopped to pet them. One jumped up and licked my face, and I kind of tried to get him to stop jumping (we had a dog who did that) but greeted the dogs and pet them. I got to see the dogs in back and where they let the dogs play. There was one cat that I stopped to pet. In the end she told me what to expect next in the hiring process, and I was surprised because I was expecting to have to wait to find out if I got it. I asked a bit about dress code and that was it. Now I'm just waiting for the email.. it was supposed to take 2-3 days and I did the interview Thursday. If I don't get it tomorrow, I will give her a call.

I am very anxious. I am not exactly doing well these days.. I mean I am screwing around with my meds a bit. I am having more suicidal thoughts (probably because next month will be a year since my last attempt). I am struggling with self harm and the bulimia. But I am going to be waiting forever if i wait until I am well to look for work. This is a good opportunity because I get to work more with animals than with people, and I like animals more than people on most days. I don't know if my parents are going to be happy about driving me. My dad has said that they will drive me, but I don't know if they will actually be happy to do it or act like it's a burden. I can take public transportation probably, but I need to have some money to pay for that. Right now I have a little cash but no debit/credit card or checking account. I am considering asking my parents for a bike for by birthday next month, so I could ride to work (it's less than 3 miles). The fear with that or public transportation is that increased independence means increased chances to get alcohol. I am already trying to figure out what to do with the money when I start getting paid.. do I pay my parents back for everything they've done? do I try to pay some medical bills? how will this affect filing for bankruptcy? I still definitely won't be making enough to pay all the bills I have.. I mean working part time at $9 an hour is not enough to pay back almost $30k in bills. I also don't know if I will be able to get benefits (the person who interviewed me didn't know how many hours I need for that). Plus, I get my meds for free right now because of my income and the place I go, but if I have insurance I will have to go elsewhere.. and then I will probably have to pay copays, and that could honestly take a lot of my income.

So see how a good thing can easily become a bad thing? I can think endlessly about it, so I am trying just not to. I am just waiting for the email. Then I will do whatever the next step is. I am not thinking too far ahead because I can sabotage this so easily.

I see my psychiatrist next week. I am planning to tell him that I need to be taken off of some meds. I am planning to say that he has no right to comment on my weight because 1. I know I am overweight and it's bad for my health 2. I am bulimic and that's pretty bad for my health and 3. I am on a very high dose of Seroquel and at least one other medication that can cause weight gain. I am mostly wanting to have the seroquel reduced or eliminated because I am always exhausted. I also just don't think I need to be on so many medications that don't make sense for my diagnosis. Then next month I am seeing a new psychiatrist because my case worker really disliked some comments the doctor made regarding my weight and eating despite having been told I have an eating disorder. I'm also on 2 antidepressants, an antipsychotic, an anti anxiety med, and a mood stabilizer... which is an awful lot and doesn't exactly make sense if I am diagnosed with depression. But I can't see the new person until October and I cannot be this tired all the time for another month.

So that is my rant and update. I will write again soon and let you know how things are progressing.