Apathy

I am still stuck in this pattern of considering actions that will help make it easier if I decide to go through with the plan (to go get a bunch of pills and alcohol and a hotel room). I haven't booked the hotel. I mostly keep debating what day I would leave. Today I decided I should change a few passwords because I think my parents could log on to my computer if I didn't. I'm not sure if they have caught on to the fact that I used one password for a lot of accounts. I was trying to decide if they'd be able to get onto my bank website and see where I used my card and how to avoid that.

I am still wavering between apathy and depression. Also there's a bit of general frustration and irritation with my parents and their usually bickering. The rest of the time I am pretty numb. The things I currently look forward to are.. the hotel room.. alcohol.. some kind of food. I honestly have decided that I am unlikely to order food delivered because I never end up with much appetite. I'm leaning toward picking up some basic snacks at the pharmacy when I get pills or the liquor store (it's surprising the interesting snacks this particular store has). It will depend on how much energy and anxiety I have. I have officially finished notes/emails to 1.my current case manager 2. my case manager from residential 3. the therapist from the previous rehab and obviously 4. my family.

But I'm not that depressed? I also did an assignment for IOP. I did an online Refuge Recovery meeting. I read a recovery related book and highlighted some interesting things. I read the nice notes people wrote for me before leaving rehab. I took all my medications today. I don't know what the fuck is going on with me. I think I long to self destruct because I want to feel something. There is no desperation or deep emotional pain. I'm just tired, and I just don't care anymore. I don't know what will make me care or give me any hope or goals for a future. I don't think there is going to be a very long future, so why try? I am just surviving, but I am surviving.