Mismatched

**Trigger Warning**

I am bothered tonight and choosing to write about the amazing differences between my thoughts and my actions or my thoughts and my words.. or for that matter my actions and my words. Pretty much, the inconsistencies are growing by the day, and I am unsure how concerned I should be (I'm guessing greatly disturbed).

I saw my new therapist from IOP for an individual session today. The things she said and the way she was sitting there made me feel like I was being studied. I'm not sure how to explain this. Most of the time therapists just look like their listening to you like a relatively normal human being. There is a different way people look at you when you're acting unusual or unique in some way. She mainly seemed fascinated by how calmly and unemotionally I was able to discuss my suicidal thoughts and the last 3 suicide attempts. I guess most people would get emotional? For me it's all matter of fact.. it happened, it didn't work, and it seems pretty likely to happen again eventually. She actually asked some very intelligent questions and make some very reasonable observations. She understood when I talked about calling 911 that I didn't suddenly come to the realization that I wanted to live. It was more like I realized it wasn't happening quickly or like I wanted (or I didn't think it was going to work) or the 2nd time that I didn't feel like wandering the streets of Dallas at night with no phone and no money hoping to die. It was more like that attempt wasn't going right, and I needed to stop and try again. We talked about why my method has always been the same because I hope I will just fall asleep and if the powers that be (God or other humans) intervene I will wake up and if that's not meant to happen I won't.

I was not entirely honest about what's going on though.. I mean she asked me to rate on a scale of 1 to 10 the likelihood of me acting on the thoughts today. I said 3 because today it was very unlikely to happen. I neglected to explain the amount of thought I have been putting into the plan and some things I have done that might be concerning. Mainly I have two files on my computer.. 1 is a suicide note of sorts and 1 is a list of hotels/addresses/pharmacy etc that might be needed if I decide to do it. I didn't mention that during IOP I have trouble focusing, so I sit and look up the hotels and the prices and what sort of restaurants deliver food there. She seemed to find it interesting that I plan out the food because I think she thought I was planning to binge, but it's just like how prisoners on death row get to choose their last meal. That also includes planning my last drinks.

Tonight we can add to the list of concerning behaviors printing some reading material on DNR orders because on 2 of the last attempts at least I was intubated, and I'm wondering if I can prevent that.. although the form I printed has a place for a doctor to sign that I was competent when I signed the form but have shown evidence of being incompetent later.. and I don't know if a suicide attempt would automatically indicate you are not mentally competent to make such decisions. I haven't done anything with the form. I just want to look into it.

So yeah.. I am not all that depressed tonight. I am kind of numb and sometimes almost a bit happy. I've had casual conversations about random things with my parents. Everyone at IOP said I seemed more upbeat than last time. I had to carefully choose words to explain that I was less depressed but in all honesty, I am not well. I didn't want to explain the searches and obsessive things I was researching while listening to everyone else check in. I didn't want to say earlier that I was entirely unlikely to act on anything tonight, but it isn't a good sign when I tackle some obstacle standing between me and the actual act. There was another thing I did but it isn't a definite indication of intention to act because I reason that it can be undone if I change my mind later. I wrote all this and thought of another thing I did that I haven't told her... actually it has to do with a semi-lie I told the other day when she was asking questions after group trying to gauge how suicidal I was.

The more and more I try to explain this, the more removed I feel from my feelings. Does that make sense? I suppose tomorrow I may email my therapist if I am still concerned. I think I should sleep on it and see how I feel tomorrow.