Small talk

I started IOP last night. It's through the same center I did residential at, although it's online right now because of covid. I am struggling with it. We did a check in last night and I said I was depressed. I otherwise basically summarized my current situation (that I just got out of residential over the weekend) but didn't go into the whole mess that led up to me being in rehab this time. That's a bit heavy to bring up so soon, and I need to know people a bit better before I talk about anything involving suicidal thoughts. I guess it was an ok group.. I couldn't focus. My head was off in the worst kind of obsession. I was looking up hotels for if I run away again.. I looked at prices and pictures to see if the rooms would have a fridge and a microwave. I made sure they'd have wi-fi. Then I looked up what sorts of restaurants deliver food there. I already had figured out some hotels within walking distance of a liquor store.. and close enough to a pharmacy and other stores for other necessary supplies. I was looking at all this with IOP open in the background. I was listening, but I was in my head.

Well, today I tried to listen to IOP.. but it was not helpful. Somehow during check ins they got off on discussing one of the women needing to get her hair done and her telling a story of a time she spent a ridiculous amount of money getting her hair done. This went on for probably 15 minutes. Meanwhile, I am sitting there fighting back tears. I am sitting there with the depression closing in and the ever present suicidal thoughts, and they're just chatting. I had to leave and get a tissue. At the end of the group, the therapist was asking about what people like about the group and what they'd find helpful. Several people talked about how they like the small talk because they get to know each other better. Someone talked about wanting people to be more open. It got around to me.. and I basically said I didn't know what to say. I said that I have realized in the past couple days how unready I was to leave residential. I said so much hadn't gotten better, so I am very pessimistic about treatment. At this point, I was crying.. and everyone was supportive. They said they hadn't realized I was struggling. I don't know.. I said something about just not wanting to end up back in the hospital.

So of course, the therapist was concerned. I had to convince her I wasn't actively suicidal (which is a lie) and was safe tonight (which is true). I tried to explain that I just don't know what to do.. and how my next psych appointment is late in August. She asked if I was out of my meds, I said no.. they just aren't helping. So I think this will all get brought up in treatment team, and I am honestly just hoping I don't get sent to a psych ward. Residential was helpful, but the psych ward wasn't. I just don't know how to sit there in IOP like it helps to chat cheerfully with everyone when I am sinking. I can't explain that I can put on a brave face and act fine but then continue with actions that clearly indicate something is wrong (writing notes, doing research, etc). But I'm ok tonight. I just don't know what will happen if this doesn't get better. Tonight I just want to go to sleep. I see the therapist individually on Thursday, so at least I'll have a chance to talk more then. I just don't like putting anything so heavy on the other patients, so I hope that I can be honest with the therapist at least.