3 months

I am considering using my blog again now after all that's happened the past several months. I will start with a summary of this year.

February- 1st suicide attempt of the year. This is the one that I took pills while black out drunk and woke up in the hospital. I was in the medical hospital for a week followed by 5 days inpatient and a few weeks IOP. (days in hospital 12)

April- toward the end of March I got kicked out of IOP for relapsing with alcohol. They recommended I go to rehab before I could come back, so off to rehab I went. (days in 28)

May- I spent 28 days in rehab, and I was continuously telling them my depression was getting worse and so were the suicidal thoughts. I had a plan in my head, and I only couldn't do it because if I left they said they'd call the cops (because I was suicidal). Well, they started talking about transferring me to a psych facility, but my therapist was terrible about communicating what was going on. I got angry with him for leaving 2 days in a row after I agreed to transfer somewhere without telling me what was going on with the transfer. I asked to leave AMA, and various people at the facility panicked even though I never even got so far as to sign the AMA form. I once again agreed to be transferred, but they went ahead and called the cops anyway instead of doing what we had agreed on. I end up having a cop show up for a welfare check and then went to a psych hospital for an evaluation. I lied about how I was doing, and I had hoped I could go back to rehab. Well, that didn't happen. They called my parents to come get me and said the facility wasn't appropriate for me.

So I was home for 1 night and then was supposed to go to a psych hospital. I convinced my parents to drop me off and went in for my evaluation. I changed my mind during the seemingly endless waiting and dealing with some very rude people at this hospital. I told them I didn't want to go in, and I was safe to leave. I left and got a hotel room. I drank for a night or two.. it's a bit blurry. I changed hotels because I somehow lost track of what day it was and when I was supposed to check out. I got to the 2nd hotel and took a lot of pills.. both prescription and Tylenol PM. I sat around waiting for them to do something, and I panicked. I called 911.. I remember the ambulance coming (and the paramedics were really cute). I kept trying to explain what I took and answer questions and them saying I wasn't making sense. I was taken to the ER, and I don't really remember much of the couple days I was in the hospital. I guess I was intubated at some point, and my liver was in really bad shape. Somehow when I was conscious again I convinced them to let me leave AMA. I went to Walmart planning to buy more pills. I managed to leave my phone in the Lyft and didn't know where my debit card was. I end up shoplifting a bottle of tylenol PM and wandering around the area taking them and trying to decide what to do. I was somewhere in Dallas with no real clue how to get anywhere and no phone. I finally borrow a phone from someone in the parking lot of a gas station (after actually asking a cop for help and being told he was too busy to even call for an ambulance) and get taken by ambulance to the same hospital I left earlier that day. I repeat the process of drinking charcoal and being given all sorts of meds.. and that's all a blur. I agree to go to a psych hospital once my liver is back to being ok. (days in hospital 5)

May/June- I spend 18 days in a psych hospital where they try to sort out my meds. I am crying daily and suicidal. I get talked into going to a residential facility because clearly I need more help. They only agree to let me leave if I go straight there. I actually planned to agree to be picked up by the facility staff and then say I changed my mind and go kill myself, but I somehow got talked into actually going to the next rehab. (days in hospital 18)

June/July- I went to a residential facility that does dual diagnosis (alcohol and mental health) and actually also eating disorders. I had been sober 3 weeks when I got there, but my depression was still out of control. I spent the first 3 days crying pretty much constantly. I eventually started going to groups and doing assignments, and I really tried despite the depression being bad. My therapist kept trying to argue there's something in my childhood I need to deal with that's causing the depression, and I kept arguing that there might be but the pressing issue is that I was suicidal and self harming daily (and purging but didn't mention that). So I managed to spend over 45 days there and the depression is still bad, but insurance says no more residential. I have mixed feelings about leaving. I don't think I'm ready, but I also feel like it wasn't getting better anyway so I was wasting time. At least here at home, I have my cats and my parents. I have been home just that one day since I first went to rehab in April. Total days in hospital/inpatient/residential 63 so far this year.. and I start IOP again on Monday. I am pretty burnt out