I haven't written in a while, and I don't know who is still around on blogger. I just can't get into journaling unless it's on here for some reason, and I guess I need something.
So what's been going on since I think I last wrote in September:
Hospitalized in October 2020 after a really half assed suicide attempt- ended up in a decent hospital at least because they hardly cared if I read all day and skipped groups (mainly to keep my anxiety manageable)
Of course it did very little for the depression that continued to get worse over the holidays and into the new year. At some point my parents got a dog that is somehow the source of a lot of my stress and that actually was right before the attempt in October I think (I struggle with putting events in order)
I did TMS for a couple months at the end of 2020, which did absolutely nothing
I applied for disability back in November, but I am still waiting on a decision
At some point my now ex-therapist decided she thinks I have ASD.. she may or may not be right. I was supposed to get an assessment somewhere, but the place never called me back and I stopped caring
I went back to the hospital voluntarily in February 2021 because I was planning another attempt but didn't even have the energy to go through with it, so I just told my therapist. The hospital didn't really help again
In April, I got a hotel room planning another attempt.. this time I got too drunk and don't really remember much until I had to check out of the hotel and was a drunken idiot and ended up asking them to call 911. So I was hospitalized at a decent hospital (program was very DBT based) but the psychiatrist honestly tried to get my meds right, but after 2 weeks she let me go even though she said she was really worried about letting me discharge that depressed still.. but at least I planned to do IOP.
So now I am doing IOP, and I am seeing my current psych nurse practitioner every 2 weeks. I was happy in the last hospital to be down to only a few meds (Wellbutrin, Buspar, Lamictal, and Seroquel). Now she's added Rexulti (added 2 weeks ago) and Lithium (added today). So I'm back on 6 medications, and she talked about adding more if this doesn't work.
I am just not doing well. The IOP therapist keeps asking what coping skills I am using, and I don't wanna say that I've relapsed with bulimia and now with self harm because I just can't handle this level of depression. She seems not too bothered by my depression being a 7 out of 10 everyday. I admittedly am lying about some things to avoid being hospitalized, but the last however many hospitalizations haven't helped.. so why should I go back? I'm supposed to be listening to these lessons on self compassion and assertiveness and whatever else when what I need is survival skills because I am very close to crisis. My parent's dog is absolutely insane.. from what we can tell he has anxiety about noises and whatever else and his response involves a lot of constant barking (I don't do well with loud noise) and running around frantically and biting things and people. Like he gets into this frantic mood in the morning when my dad is on calls (still working from home unfortunately) and has bitten holes in my coffee creamer carton and then a couple days later my macadamia milk.. he also likes to bite me (not hard enough to break the skin but not playfully) randomly if I move wrong or make the wrong noise (like I can't turn my laptop to show my mom something). So I am about ready to lose it and leave and probably do something bad because I can't handle this, and they're not handling it. My mom is trying but my dad won't call to try to make an appointment with the trainers or try to get him into some kind of doggy daycare that would give us a break and probably help the dog have some fun and relax or something.
I feel like I must be faking my depression and anxiety at this point because how could things be this bad on this much medication and with this much therapy. Admittedly, I have been told in the past by well meaning therapists that the medication only works if you want it to or work for it.. or some other bullshit that basically blames the mentally ill person for their disease because obviously the medication would work if they were trying hard enough. The IOP therapist is so cheerful and keeps encouraging me to go for walks like that will fix it all. Other patients and the therapist keep saying I need to get out of the house and asking if I could go stay with someone else, and my answer is always the same. I have no place else to go. I don't have much money (basically only what's left of the last economic relief payment), I have no job, I have no friends, I have no family around here that I could go to. I have no car. I have no way to get out of this situation, and they keep telling me to be hopeful and think about what I want in the future. I know that anything I want is not going to happen any time soon. This isn't pessimism. It's realism. I have no idea when I will hear about disability, and even the psychiatrist that did my assessment for IOP basically said not to hope for it (my reply was to chuckle and say not to worry because I haven't had hope in anything for a long time). If I do get it, it probably won't be enough to move out. The IOP therapist asked about working (I can't remember the question exactly) and I said that I am not well enough to work and it would probably end badly if I got a job right now. She questioned what I meant by something bad happened.. but I didn't know how to point out that I lost my last job because I tried to kill myself and missed work. I have attempted suicide several times since then. What about that makes it sound like I should be working?
So that's my pathetic attempt to update on the past several months. I will try to keep up with this again even if no one is reading. I have no other place to be honest. I admittedly have respect for my psychiatrist because she asked if I had suicidal thoughts today, and of course I said no. She later said that sometimes patients lie or don't talk about certain things because they're afraid that hospitalization will be recommended if they do.. so at least she seems to be paying attention. My IOP therapist believes me when I say that. I mean I clarified to my psychiatrist that I am not actively suicidal, but I am plagued by the thought that at any moment something could push me over the edge. It's like sitting on the edge of a cliff. You might not be planning to fall, but it only takes a small push or a strong wind and then you're falling. That's how this feels. It isn't sustainable.. but maybe the medication will help or maybe it's all my own fault anyway.
But the only good in my life right now is these
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