Do I actually care?

 I've managed not to be hospitalized yet. This is probably because I am lying or minimizing or generally omitting the truth when I am talking in group. I'm a little more honest with my psychiatrist, but even then I am choosing not to bring up the relapse with bulimia or with self harm. In IOP, I am just acting like I'm fine (still reporting my depression as 7/10, so how fine can I be?) and saying I have no suicidal thoughts. In truth, I am not having that many because I have reached the point where I don't even have the energy to plan anything. That means soon I will probably reach the point where I have no energy to purge or self harm, so maybe that's no big deal. 

I am ambivalent and hopeless and yet part of me is trying to think of solutions. Mainly, I spent most of my time in IOP today listening (it's on Zoom) but with Chrome open and looking for treatment facilities. I am searching for something that doesn't exist. Several times professionals have recommended I look for a residential/ longer term inpatient facility that specializes in mental health rather than just substance abuse. A few of such places exist, but they are never covered by my insurance.. some don't take insurance at all. Insurance treats depression as a quick fix. They will cover inpatient for a week or at most 2, which is like a bandaid on a bullet wound. They will cover outpatient treatment, but the only time they cover a 30 day program or more is for substance abuse. I've been to several rehabs that claim to treat dual diagnosis, but they were useless at handling depression. I pretty much continually got worse with the depression, and they either blamed me for not going to all the groups (sorry I was sobbing in bed) or just acted like it was fine. So there's probably no options, and I probably wouldn't want to go anyway. I guess this is me preparing for when I inevitably end up inpatient again and the subject gets brought up of what to do with me after discharge. I think sooner or later it's going to happen. I know this level of depression isn't sustainable.